Coach – Connected Families

Kids & Technology: How to Navigate the Constantly Shifting Landscape

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 26 May 2025 04:03:00 +0000

Screens cause issues for families everywhere! The full scope of what social media is in today’s world is complex and can be overwhelming. It goes way beyond the typical social media platforms and games we usually hear about. That’s why we’re bringing in Matt & Jill Reed, founders of Know Curtains, who have created an online course for parents to help you parent wisely and put you in the driver’s seat around technology. The Reeds share insights from their “Driver’s Training for Social Media” course, discussing how families can work together to develop healthy digital habits. Matt & Jill emphasize the importance of what we model as parents and creating fun alternatives when it comes to kids & technology.

Key Points:

Parents and kids can work as a team to manage technology, rather than parents simply imposing rules
Kids observe parents’ screen behaviors from a very young age, so your modeling is crucial
Social media is far more than just the popular social networking sites
Intentionally growing your family’s fun and engaging activities without screens

Mentioned in this podcast:

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*This podcast was made possible by members of The Table, whose monthly support creates a ripple effect of change for generations to come. We’d love to have you take a seat at The Table!*

Guest Bio:

Know Curtains was founded in 2024 by Matt and Jill Reed. As parents, they saw a huge void in tech resources for families and made it their mission to see past the hype, curate news that keeps tech wizards honest, and produce independent resources to render the public powerful. Tech Insight and Guidance for the Rest of Us. No hype. Know curtains.

In their first online course, “Driver’s Training for Social Media,” you and your family will learn how to navigate the digital world safely, manage screen time, and avoid online traps with a customizable plan you create together. Find it online at training.knowcurtains.com.

Matt & Jill are filmmakers with nearly twenty years of experience in media and communications, plus a rich background in pastoral and volunteer ministry. They have two boys, and they’re based in Minnesota. They love food, travel, history, and sharing adventures on their @wildgooselife YouTube channel.

We’re experiencing the biggest communication shift in history—and most of us haven’t had guidance. Until now.

If you want a clear roadmap for today’s digital world, less screen time, more meaningful offline moments, and a media plan that truly works… this course is for you.

Learn More & Register!

The Science Behind Building Unshakeable Kids

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 04:23:00 +0000

Dr. Nicole Wilke is back in this episode to explore another layer of building resilience in kids–affirming character development. Dr. Wilke shares practical wisdom on speaking healing words to our children and fostering resilience through appropriate levels of challenge and support. In addition, Stacy highlights how you can use the ABC’s of Affirmation tool to practice what the Bible and brain science teach us about resilience.

Key Takeaways:

Creating margin and proper rhythms can help you speak more wisely
Challenges build resilience when paired with appropriate support
Focus on one character trait at a time as a family
Model the character you want to see, including confession when you fall short
Affirm success and help your children understand the “why” behind character development

Mentioned in this podcast:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

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Guest Bio:

Nicole Wilke, Ph.D., is a researcher, missionary, author, and marriage and family therapist dedicated to improving care for vulnerable children and families globally. She currently serves as Director of the Christian Alliance for Orphans’ Center on Applied Research for Vulnerable Children and Families, bridging research and practice to improve care for vulnerable children and families around the globe. Her passion for this work stems from her family’s experience with adoption and fostering. Having lived on four continents, Nicole currently resides with her family in Peru, where they work to improve the system for children in alternative care.

The Quick Guide for Parenting

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The Quick Guide for Parenting

It’s parenting made clear with biblical wisdom to better equip you to lead your family with grace.

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Are You Unintentionally Encouraging Bad Behavior? Here’s How to Switch That

Jim and Lynne Jackson — Mon, 20 Jan 2025 04:23:00 +0000

You want to encourage good behavior from your children. But do you ever have a nagging suspicion that you’re actually encouraging bad behavior? Somehow, do all those well-meaning corrections and conversations end up encouraging bad behavior?

Does this sound familiar? Your child once again does something you know they shouldn’t. It was a mess up. Now, it’s your job to go have a “chat” with them and make sure they know it was wrong…right?

Yes, your lectures may actually encourage bad behavior

Maybe you do need to talk with your child, and it’s indeed a good idea for your child to know what went wrong and why. But let’s start with a significant shift: labeling behavior as “good” and “bad” tends to keep you stuck in simplistic black-and-white judgments and can lead to kids getting subtle but powerful “good kid”/“bad kid” messages.

Thinking in nuances of helpful/unhelpful or wise/unwise tends to open up your perspective: “My child is stuck in unhelpful behavior and I can help him learn to make wiser choices.”

Sometimes we don’t give our kids enough credit. They often already know what went wrong. In fact, with a few simple non-shaming questions, they may tell you what went wrong, how they can fix the situation, and maybe even avoid it in the future.

Setting your child up to tell you the problem and a possible solution creates an opportunity to affirm their wisdom! This is highly effective at guiding them toward a wiser choice next time because our focus on their wisdom strengthens those helpful brain pathways.

Focus is fertilizer: what you focus on is what you grow

At Connected Families, the phrase “Focus is Fertilizer” is an important principle in “coaching” our kids toward God’s purposes for them. The energy we give to kids based on their behavior is like fertilizer. Whatever behavior we focus on gets “fertilized” for future growth. It helps kids relive and even visualize what went well.

Similar to the power of guided imagery or visualization in high-level athletes. Rehearsing what’s gone well can prepare them for more success. But if they “unintentionally have recurring images of missed opportunities, injuries, mistakes, and losses,” that also feeds a pattern of more of the same.

Unfortunately, the more you criticize your child’s unhelpful behavior, the more you fertilize it. Research has shown: “Parents may use critical statements to express disapproval with their children’s behavior or attitude. However, using criticism can undermine their self-esteem, lead to greater child defiance and aggression, and increase the likelihood of their developing behavioral problems.” If this happens a lot, kids often begin to act out of a troublemaker identity.

This is not just true for kids! Researchers have found, for example, that on the highest-performing corporate teams, members gave 5.6 compliments for every criticism of their peers. That ratio was upside down on the lowest-performing teams, with 2.8 criticisms per compliment.

Research also shows that there is a similar “magic ratio” of 5:1 positive to negative interactions for happy couples. So that begs the following question for parents:

“What is my ratio of affirming/encouraging comments to critical/corrective comments to my child?”

If your answer is not what you’d like it to be, resist the temptation (yes, it really is temptation!) to get discouraged!

May we suggest an alternative to a negative identity-based belief like: “Ugh, I’m such a negative, critical parent!” How about this instead: “This heavy feeling right now shows that I really want to encourage my child!” And… “That shift might be a key to growth in our family.”

Of course, there will likely be some tough conversations with your kids because, just like us, they will be tripped up by the “sin which so easily entangles.” Hebrews 12:1 However, it helps tremendously to attempt to give more attention to helpful behavior than hurtful behavior.

Let’s explore some practical help. If you’re motivated but a little overwhelmed, we’ll break effective affirmation of your child down into three “bite-sized chunks.”

The ABC’s of Affirmation: How to encourage helpful behavior

If you want to encourage helpful behavior, it helps to be specific about what a child did and why it was helpful. This may feel a little challenging, so we’ve developed a simple format for remembering key elements of effective affirmation:

What was the helpful Action?
What was its Benefit?
What Character did it take to do that good thing?

We call it the “ABC’s of Affirmation” as a guide for parents. We hope this simple acronym helps you throw a little “Miracle Grow” on your children’s helpful behavior. (These concepts don’t need to be in a specific sequence, so mix up the order as appropriate.)

You can do this and grow a culture of encouragement in your family!

To encourage wise behavior: Notice a helpful ACTION

Let’s start by just noticing helpful actions.

This step is just about noticing. With a smile and gentle eye contact (if your child is comfortable with that during affirmation), make specific statements that objectively describe something your child did that was helpful or a positive attitude you observed. Think of yourself as a news reporter looking for what’s positive and making specific, objective observations. There is power in the details: “You cleaned up your markers and came right away to set the table.”

If you just start randomly affirming how great your child is: “Johnny, you’re awesome!” that might not encourage helpful behavior either. It can actually increase anxiety because Johnny doesn’t know why he is so awesome… or what might make him not so awesome!

There’s a world of difference between “Johnny, you’re awesome!” and “Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice. You are getting to be quite responsible.”

Courtney shared her journey with learning to affirm:

“Amelia has been having a hard time putting her dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. I would gently remind her when she forgot, but we saw little progress with the clothes making it any closer to the hamper. Instead, I started encouraging her every time she did it, which was very rare at the beginning. We are now one week with no dirty clothes on the floor, no reminders, and a very proud 9-year-old. Focus is fertilizer! I asked her how she began to remember and she said, ‘It started to feel good to have a clean floor and now my favorite clothes are being washed more quickly.’”

(And after 6 months Courtney said laundry is still going well for Amelia. 🙂)

So what do you do if you feel like saying, “The ‘dirty laundry’ of my child’s misbehavior or forgetfulness is soooo common and obvious compared to the successes? How do I get some momentum to notice the helpful things?”

5 starter questions to notice the good:

What is a smoother part of the day for your family? What do your kids do to make that happen that you might not be noticing? (i.e., “I appreciate how you come to breakfast quickly in the morning!”)
What part of a situation went well, even if the rest was not so great? (i.e., “Before you wandered off to play, you got a great start on your homework with a good attitude!”)
What strength (or “gift-gone-awry”) might your child be tapping into to get what they want? (i.e., “I really appreciate your assertiveness, but how you’re speaking isn’t helpful right now.”)
What didn’t go wrong that might have? (i.e., “When you disagreed about the Legos, everyone kept their hands safe!”)
What skills does your child have that might be a bridge to other skills? (i.e., a child who’s aware of problems can become a creative problem solver)

Visual reminders:

Put post-it notes and pens/pencils in key locations around the house. They will cue you to write a quick phrase/picture noting what your child did that is helpful. Pick a time to discuss and celebrate with your child what you wrote on the Post-it notes.
Post scripture around the house, such as Philippians 4:8 or 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
One mom made a pipe cleaner bracelet with beads that she slid from one side of the bracelet to the other each time she affirmed one of her children.
One couple made a chart on the refrigerator with checkboxes for each time they affirmed or connected with a child.

Noticing anything kind, responsible, or helpful and then verbalizing it out loud can build skills/habits in a child as they replay in their minds what they did, and…

…it can also begin to grow a culture of gratitude in your family as you model noticing what is good and speaking it out! If your kids pick at and criticize each other, modeling joyful affirmation is far more effective than trying to manage the negativity.

FREE RESOURCE

Download and print this ABC’s of Affirmation PDF whenever you need a quick reminder.

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Help your child discover the natural BENEFIT

Many parents would say that raising a child with wisdom is a high priority. However, many do not have a strategy for doing so. Here’s a simple approach: When affirming, help your child discover the natural benefit of what they did. This teaches cause-effect.

Let’s continue our example with Johnny:
“Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice.”

When you point out the natural benefits of an action or attitude, you build wisdom about how life works and motivate wise choices. This can instill lasting values in children as they gain insight into the best way to live. It’s how you work yourself out of the role of constantly prompting helpful actions.

For example, “You cleaned up your markers and came right away to set the table. Now your markers won’t get dried out, and the table is ready for dinner.”

Lila, a mom of a spicy little guy named Ethan, shared a story about an effective affirmation of her son:

“When we had some friends over, Ethan didn’t like the game the others chose. After a few loud exclamations of ‘Nooooo! I’m never gonna play that! UGH!’ he disappeared around the corner of the house to sulk and insisted, ‘Go away!’ when we went to check on him. We let it ride and sure enough, a short time later, our little grump had happily rejoined the crew.

At bedtime that evening, I said:

‘That was tough when you wanted to play something different than everyone else. You needed a little break to calm down and you did it! You didn’t hit, you didn’t say mean words even though you were really mad!’ (ACTION)
‘Because you took a break when you needed to, you felt better and came back and had fun – everyone had fun!’ (BENEFIT)
‘You were patient, and you used self-control. Wow! Every day you’re learning so much!’ (CHARACTER)

This took some thought but was much more powerful than a default ‘Good job!’ My little one practically glowed. We’re building wisdom and values, coming alongside our kids with the message: ‘I see the good in you, even when you’re struggling. You are capable!’”

Note: This could be much simpler: “Ethan, you took a break when you were really mad (Action), and then you came back and had fun! (Benefit) You’re really learning self-control.” (Character)

5 starter questions to discover the benefit:

How did the action benefit your child or someone else?
How might the action benefit your child or someone else in the future?
What would happen if your child practiced this action until it became easier and more natural?
How did your child feel when they were a blessing to someone else?
Does the action care for God-given possessions or the environment?

You can also take it a step further and ask your child questions about the benefit of their action. “Hey, I noticed __. How was that helpful?” or “What was good about that?” Your child will internalize wisdom even more if they proclaim it out loud!

“Educational research has found that self-explaining (explaining to oneself or to another person) can be more effective for learning than other activities… When teachers and parents ask children to explain ‘why’ and ‘how’ something works, they are giving the child the opportunity to think like scientists.”

We have a podcast on this topic!

Check out Ep. 212 of the Connected Families Podcast, “The Power of Affirmation: 3 Ways Your Words are Life-Giving” today.

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Teach which CHARACTER quality was demonstrated

“Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice. You are getting to be quite responsible.”

Make a statement about a specific character quality that was needed to accomplish this action: “It takes flexibility and self-control to stop doing something you love when it’s time to be done.”

Click here to see a list of character traits if you feel like you are always using the same ones. 🙂

Keep these affirmations short and sweet. At another time, you can help your child see that growing character is a beautiful “working together” of our wise, faith-filled choices and God’s work in our lives. “…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Philippians 1:13

There are so many ways in which the culture, coaches, teachers, peers, or trauma can lay hurtful identity words on a child—convincing them they are defective or inadequate. Including the helpful character that God is growing in your child can strengthen them to see God’s work in their life and not define themselves by harsh or critical statements from others or any messages they got during traumatic experiences.

This kind of thoughtful affirmation can be words of life for a struggling child, as demonstrated here:

Marianne decided to start a bedtime affirmation journal with Kerrolyn, who joined their family through adoption after an early history of abuse and neglect. Marianne went to Kerrolyn’s room as her daughter was settling in to sleep. While Kerrolyn listened, Marianne began to write down and talk about actions and character she saw growing in her. Kerrolyn started to pinch herself on the arm. When Marianne asked why, she smiled and said, “I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t a dream!”

(To find out more about an affirmation journal, read here.)

Encourage your child’s good choices again and again

It usually takes less than 20 seconds to encourage a child’s helpful behavior with a few sentences of effective affirmation.

That said, it does require a heartfelt commitment to encourage your child. Intentionality about this is important because researchers also found that parents tend to “overestimate their use of praise and underestimate their use of criticism.”

Philippians 4:8 has inspired many parents to “fertilize” their child’s helpful behavior with grace and affirmation – “…if there is any excellence, and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” If your child is struggling with a particular attitude or behavior, be on the lookout for small instances of even a tiny step forward in that area – “anything worthy of praise.” Then, put some thoughtful detail into how you affirm your child. (Note: This helps with spouses and coworkers, too!)

This simple method can begin to change a family’s tone in a beautiful way. Patti, a mom in parent coaching, began to really focus on doing ABC affirmations with her challenging 10-year-old son, Devin, by sending him a daily ABC affirmation email. One day, her son actually sent her an affirmation email!

In his email, he wrote, “I liked yesterday how you commented on the good things I did rather than the bad things. And you didn’t do anything bad to the dog when he ate Luke’s birthday cake. If I had made a cake and spent my time on it, I would have really yelled at that bad dog.” Then he goes on to mention his dad, “I’ll think of nice things to say to you too, Dad, but I think today Mom needs it more.”

It wasn’t long before Patti also began to notice how much easier it was for Devin to say out loud, “I love you, Mom.”

Are you ready to experience the amazing change a bit more affirmation and encouragement can bring? You have the power to grow a loving culture of encouragement in your family. You’ve got this!

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Our 8-session online course, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart will guide you through each level of the Framework. If you’re looking for a grace-filled way to parent, this course is for you!

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Sleep Solutions for Tired Families: Expert Advice

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 11 Nov 2024 03:01:00 +0000

Listen in as Connected Families Co-Founder Lynne Jackson and Christina Spaeth-Harrer, pediatric occupational therapist, share their expert insights on improving family sleep. From managing bedtime routines to incorporating sensory-friendly activities, Christina and Lynne offer practical tools for common sleep challenges. They also discuss the importance of emotional connection and integrating faith to build healthy sleep habits. You’ll feel equipped and encouraged to help your family rest well.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Transform Bedtime Struggles into Nighttime Snuggles (Sleep Ebook) – Free Download
Psalm 46:10
Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

We invite you to join the transforming work God is doing in families across the globe. Donate to Connected Families today!

Got a second? Rate the podcast on your favorite listening platform!

Guest Bio:

Christina Spaeth has over 20 years of experience providing sleep consultation, holistic, sensory integration, developmental, and aquatic occupational therapy. She has worked in a variety of settings, including clinics, schools, group homes, foster care and home care, and private practice with children and adults. Christina lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children. You can learn more about the services she provides on her website.

Know a Child Who Gives Up Easily? Teach Them the Source of Resilience

Jim and Lynne Jackson — Tue, 22 Oct 2024 09:55:14 +0000

“It’s too hard!” “I can’t do it!” “I’ll never be good at it!” “I give up!” You may have heard words like these as you watch when your child gives up easily. You wince because you don’t want your child to quit when things get complicated. You want your child to learn to persevere and to face life with grit and resilience. To be able to do hard things. But some kids struggle with giving up more than other kids.

Maybe your child’s personality leans toward the perfectionist side. It’s hard to accept a less-than-perfect outcome, so they give up as soon as they start to see imperfection.
Maybe they just don’t care (and what’s to say they should?).
Maybe your child has been mocked by other kids and doesn’t want to risk the vulnerability of failing again.
Your child may sense your tendency to be a perfectionist and be afraid of not measuring up to your expectations.
Your child doesn’t have the vocabulary to process all the overwhelming negative feelings they experience when they face a challenge.
Perhaps your little one has never seen overcoming adversity modeled as a good or pleasurable process.

If any of this feels familiar, take a deep breath and resist the temptation to label your child a quitter. Instead, dive into what it takes to raise a child with the grit needed to tackle life’s twists and turns.

Two ingredients of overcoming: Resilience and grit

If you don’t want your child to give up as soon as the going gets tough, they’re going to need two important characteristics: resilience and grit.

What are resilience and grit?

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”
Grit is “firmness of mind or spirit: unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger.”

In short, it is about “bounce back” ability and courageous determination.

Why kids need resilience and grit

1. Because bad things will happen.

Jesus said, “In this world, you will have trouble.”

Right now maybe it’s just mastering long division or riding a bicycle. Perhaps it’s finishing their homework or practicing their spelling list. These challenges don’t feel like life-altering skills or major trials, do they? However, learning to persist is a life-altering skill for the significant trials that inevitably will come.

2. Because life won’t always be easy.

The kids that seem to master it all so easily—who excel at school and never need to study, who nail that backflip on the trampoline in just a couple of tries—these are the kids that may need your assistance the most in learning resilience. Life isn’t forcing resilience on them.

Consider what happens when resilience and perseverance are not learned.

For the child that hasn’t learned to persist, what happens when maintaining a friendship or marriage is hard work? Relationships won’t always be easy or natural, even if getting an A in mathematics was.

For adults who have never learned to cope with adversity while they were children, what happens when life itself feels overwhelming? Every person will face a stretch when the choice to get up and keep moving is an act of overcoming. Whether from grief, trauma, mental illness, job stress, or other circumstances, life won’t always be easy.

Educational expert Dr. Dan Peters sums it up well, “As we all know, it is not the smartest who are most successful in our world, it is those who persevere, adapt, problem solve, and don’t give up.” [sic]

“Fragile” sources of resilience when things are hard

When people give gritty and resilient effort to something, they might do it for the internal satisfaction of finishing a job well done. This is biblical and something you can encourage.

But if this becomes the primary motivator, kids may develop an inflated view of themselves and their performance as a source of value in life.

For some people, making an impression is the goal. This might mean there is no motivation if there is no audience. Their “perseverance” may be rooted in people-pleasing insecurity or jealousy and competition. For example, high-achieving kids often exhibit great diligence in their studies but are more susceptible to anxiety and depression because their success is rooted in their performance, and they don’t feel that they’ll be loved if they fail.

“Rock solid” reasons for not giving up in adversity

You probably desire to raise resilient, gritty, faith-filled kids who can overcome difficulties and challenges. At the end of the day, when you help kids learn the value of participating in God’s kingdom work, you give them a deeper reason for resilience than the world gives. You provide them with the purpose of learning, like the Apostle Paul, to “go through various trials,” “run the race to get the prize,” and “do all things through Christ who gives them strength!” That’s a profound reason to persist – so you don’t miss the joy of participating in what God is doing on earth.

I (Lynne) needed to adjust my perspective on “going through various trials” when our kids were in middle and high school…

We have a podcast about resilience!

Want to learn more about developing resilience and grit in your kids? Check out Episode 200: Reslience Children are Raised, Not Born for great insight and practical tips.

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A camping story: learning to embrace adversity with a purpose

Yet again, another wilderness canoe trip had turned into a week of horrible weather.
Because of pervasive bad weather throughout each of our previous four trips, we had intentionally picked the “statistically best average weather week” of the summer: the last week in July. Ha.

This time, we were battered by a ferocious, relentless, and cold wind that threatened to blow away our tents and kept us trapped for four days on the same little island.

(We learned later that after months of unusually hot weather, this trip was on the exact four days of record-breaking continuous straight-line winds averaging 30-40 mph, with average temps in the 40s. At least it blew all the bugs away!)

The kids had been relatively resilient through all this, working hard and creating fun where there seemed to be none. They each knew that choosing this attitude was a blessing to all. But I was still frustrated.

Like many of the writers of the Psalms, I freely expressed my frustration at God. “Really? It’s been hot, sunny, and calm most of the summer, and we get rotten weather! Again. Why?”

At that moment, I remembered earlier in the trip, watching the collaborative effort of our kids and our friends’ kids. Together, they heroically wrestled the wind and canoed to the center of the little lake to get clean drinking water for the group. With that image God helped me answer my own question, “Because I’m raising overcomers!”

Was that God speaking to me? You never quite know, but I answered meekly, “Oh… good plan. Really good plan.” I shared this insight with the whole group later around the campfire, sipping hot coffee from the water they’d fetched. It was a holy moment as the kids seemed to embrace God’s good purposes to go through hard things for the benefit of others and building endurance “muscles” in the process.

In her book, Grit: The Power and Passion of Perseverance, Angela Duckworth explains that people motivated by altruism score higher on grit scales than those motivated by personal pleasure.

So why a camping story? Because it is a graphic illustration of an important principle: Adversity with a purpose is the best way to help our children learn to be resilient “overcomers.”

The ultimate example of true resilience

Knowing He was about to be arrested and crucified the next day, consider Jesus’ wrestling (Matthew 26:36-46) with submitting to the emotional, physical, and spiritual horror waiting for Him. What got Him through that? The joy of rescuing His children with His sacrifice.

When you follow Jesus, it will never be your responsibility to single-handedly save any situation or overcome any tragedy. Instead, you lean into Christ Jesus, who said, “I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

That’s it. Your deepest resilience lies in an unruffled confidence in that Truth as you persevere.
Teaching this resilience to your kids is a high calling as a parent. There are many thoughtful ways you can grow the values and skills that equip kids to be “overcomers” – kids who live a life of faith-filled perseverance.

3 key factors that develop a child’s resilience and grit

1. Strong connection with you

First off, connecting with your child is paramount (which is what we’re all about!) More than anything you do to explicitly teach resilience, research suggests the strength of your relationship with your child significantly impacts your child’s resilience during adolescence. In fact, the close relationship you build with your child early in life can often help you ride out the conflicts that adolescence may bring.

2. Healthy self-esteem

Secondly, it appears that resilience is affected by self-esteem. In fact, among homeless youth in New York City and Toronto, self-esteem emerged as a “key protective factor” against the stresses of homelessness.

To that end, wise parents will want to think through the messages their parenting (and especially their discipline) sends to their children. “I am loved” is a more resilient message than “I am a nuisance.” Healthy self-messages make up a healthy self-esteem.

Moreover, research also suggests that the happy medium for developing healthy self-esteem occurs when mothers (sorry, no research on fathers) are nurturing without becoming overprotective. Nurturing promotes the message: “You are LOVED.” Refraining from being overprotective promotes the message, “You are CALLED and CAPABLE.”

(If you read material from Connected Families very often, a lot of this will sound familiar.)

3. Serving others

Serving others and volunteering are also great ways to build kids’ resilience. One review of existing research summarized significant factors that impact children’s resilience during life transitions: “supportive families, positive peer relationships, external networks, and the opportunity to develop self-esteem and efficacy through valued social roles.”

Many researchers have demonstrated that people’s community involvement and service to others relate to their resilience and gratitude levels. For example, this study demonstrated the number of hours a student volunteers correlated with their self-perceived resilience.

A word of caution: In today’s competitive world, volunteering can be a shiny form of people-pleasing where kids pad their college resume, but as Christian parents, we can help kids value their God-given purpose of serving in love.

If we were to sum up the research, healthy, resilient kids are kids with close relationships, high positive expectations, and a sense of purpose and service.

The power of your example

This process of growing resilience in your kids starts with modeling resilience as you overcome your own personal challenges. As you model this and talk about your process, your kids can begin to see adversity as an opportunity for them to learn resilience themselves.
Look for ways to talk about resilience in the messes of daily life:

What have been some challenging things you’ve overcome? What was your thought process? How did you keep going?
When did you give up easily, what was the result, and how did you regroup?
When you’re not good at something/your result isn’t perfect, can you debunk perfectionism and stay light-hearted, even joke about it?

A key challenge (a.k.a. opportunity for resilience) might be parenting a child who struggles with giving up easily! Can you stay peaceful and respond with creativity and encouragement when your child struggles? And lean into the truth that Jesus is for your family, and the Holy Spirit will guide you to grow resilience in you and your children!

Leaning into the encouraging, empowering presence of Jesus when things are difficult points your children toward the Source of a lifetime of resilience.

There’s hope! Let’s review…

If you know your child gives up too easily, don’t despair. We invite you to keep these principles in mind:

Research suggests a close, connected relationship between you and your child is vital.
Modeling resilience (out loud) is a powerful tool.
Kids must experience appropriate-level challenges without anyone fixing them.
You can give your child the best reason for good effort: “Jesus calls you to be a blessing to others!”

For more resources, this article builds on these principles with lots of practical ideas to teach resilience to your child who gives up easily.

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The Sensitive & Intense Kids online course is a game changer. It’s for YOU.

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Michael Phelps’ Secret… and What It Tells Us About Parenting

Raising Overcomers: How to Model Resiliency to Your Kids | Ep. 56

Raising Overcomers: What to Do When My Child Quits Everything | Ep. 57

Resilient Children: 15 Little Opportunities to Grow Overcomers at Home

Resilient Children Are Raised, Not Born

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 21 Oct 2024 03:42:00 +0000

Join us for a powerful conversation with Jim and Lynne Jackson about raising resilient children. They encourage you to focus on the process and long-term perspective of building character and identity rather than focusing on the result of the task at hand. Whether you’re dealing with homework struggles or life’s bigger challenges, you’ll feel equipped with hope and purpose to nurture resilience in your children.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Blog post: Know a Child Who Gives Up Easily?
James 1

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

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Guest Bio:

Jim and Lynne Jackson are the Co-Founders of Connected Families in Plymouth, MN. With over 50 combined years of professionally helping families and a love for working in the church, Jim and Lynne have been dedicated to bringing reliable, God-centered, research-based parenting resources to all families since 2002.

Whether you’re just learning the Four Messages of the Framework or have been at it for years, the Parenting Reminders Bundle can help you parent the way you want to parent!

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Focus on the Good: The Surprisingly Awesome Thing About Your Child’s Misbehavior

Jim and Lynne Jackson — Tue, 17 Sep 2024 01:41:00 +0000

Focusing on the good is powerful.

“No one has ever said anything like that to me!” The rough-looking teen’s tough veneer had softened. I (Jim) detected tears in his eyes.

What had caused this teen, a complete stranger and one obviously out to get into trouble, to soften so surprisingly? We had a conversation, and I chose to focus on the good. The good was there, but most people didn’t see it when they interacted with this young man. Paul exhorts us to focus on whatever is good in Philippians. (Philippians 4:8) Parents often forget this when the easiest thing to focus on is the bad behavior. It takes some practice and creativity to focus on the good during misbehavior, but it’s well worth the effort.

The impact of focusing on the good

So, what was the conversation that softened a rough teen? Just minutes before, I met him in a line at our local amusement park. After a brief conversation, I dug a little deeper and asked Jared what he was good at. “Are you kidding?” He seemed angry. “Look at me.” Violent tattoos, tattered dark clothes, a defiant countenance, and multiple piercings on his ears, nose, eyebrows, and lips were suggestive of a hard life.

I asked if he was good at lying. “I’m great at it,” was his curt response, as if he wished the conversation would end.

“So you’re creative and have a good memory,” I said with a little smile.

“What do you mean?” he was quick to ask. I had his interest.

I continued my questioning. “So you’re good at that — how about skipping school?”

He smirked a little. “Yeah!”

“How do you get away with it?” I continued.

He seemed proud. “My friends and I distract the door monitor lady for each other and then take turns about who gets to leave that day.”

“So you’re a good planner, you treat your friends fairly, and you’re all willing to sacrifice for each other. Add to that list your creativity and good memory, and I’d say you’re a pretty talented guy. Imagine what might happen if you used some of those strengths in ways that were more helpful to you and others and less trouble!” My words were heartfelt, not tongue-in-cheek or manipulative.

Jared’s tone softened, “No one has ever said anything like that to me!”

Seeing people from God’s perspective

When people hear a list of misbehaviors like Jared’s, it can be easy to get distracted by trying to “straighten him out” and fix the problems. However, the starting place to capture Jared’s heart and attention was not to dwell on and try to solve his failures but to identify the gifts God gave him. Even if they were evident only in his struggles. This kind of encouragement opens even the most challenging of kids to hearing more about how God designed them.

The key to disciplining with God’s perspective is to view my children (and myself!) as God’s miraculous workmanship, even though our choices are often impacted by our sinful nature. We are created in God’s image and for His purposes. Then I can begin to see my kids as capable of great things in spite of their current misbehavior.

Even when kids like Jared get in trouble, they often use their strengths to do it. If our typical response to misbehavior is simply punishment, children often grow discouraged, believing they are trouble-makers, not gifted people.

If we truly want to help our children learn and grow into the purpose for which God created them, we need to be intentional about teaching them valuable character traits — both proactively before misbehavior and even when they’ve just misbehaved.

[Read “Want to Know Your Child’s Strengths? Find Clues in 12 Common Misbehaviors”]

What’s your ultimate goal?

Many times when we work with parents, we ask them, “What’s your goal when you discipline your child?” The most common responses parents give are:

“To make the bad behavior stop.”
“To get our kids under control.”
“To teach the right behavior.”

Stopping misbehavior and teaching the right behavior is not necessarily a bad goal, but it focuses only on what’s immediately wrong. If you want your kids to grow a heart that values what’s right, it’s important to notice and affirm whatever is good – even if it’s hidden behind what’s wrong.

When we look at Jesus’ ministry, we see His powerful ability to look beneath the surface of people’s problems with a vision to leverage their challenges and draw them into the kingdom. Jesus didn’t treat misbehavior/sin with an eye to just correct it but with the goal of changing hearts.

Saul the Pharisee was a prime example of this. A persecutor and murderer of Christians, Jesus met him on the road to Damascus. Instead of doling out strong punishment to Saul for his hideous acts, Jesus met him with grace, knowing that God would use Saul’s strengths to build the Kingdom. Saul’s experience was so powerful that he went away from the encounter with a new mission. He became the apostle Paul, arguably the most important missionary in all of history.
Paul learned to use his same gifts of zeal, determination, and leadership — the gifts that made him so effective at putting Christ-followers to death — to bring true Life to the world!

[Read “Is Your Child Intense and Impulsive? So Were God’s Chosen Leaders”]

As parents, when you take a step back and look beneath the immediate misbehavior, it becomes easier to see the skills your child uses to misbehave. It then becomes easier to gain a vision of how God can use those gifts for His good purposes!

Start focusing on the good today:

Consider what it means that God has created you and your child to walk in the good works already planned for you (Ephesians 2:10).
What misbehavior does your child struggle with, and what might be a gift beneath that misbehavior? If this is difficult to answer, find more information in “Want to Know Your Child’s Strengths? Find Clues in 12 Common Misbehaviors”
Can you think of times when God used that strength to be a blessing to others?

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence
Discipline with Love

Take the 8-session online course Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart .

The God-Given Gifts in Your Child’s Misbehavior | Ep. 49

Want To Know Your Child’s Strengths?

What to Do When Your Child Has a Hard Time Losing

How to Talk to Your Child About Difficult Topics (Part 2)

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 04:05:00 +0000

Expanding on last week’s episode, Josh and Rachel Keller use role-plays to show how you can engage in a difficult conversation with your child. They offer insights for choosing a time and place that will help foster meaningful dialogue and highlight the importance of listening and empathy as you enter the conversation. If you’re feeling unsure about the weighty or awkward conversations you need to have, this episode will give you a boost in confidence and some practical ideas for a great, connected conversation with your child.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

Every donation, whether big or small, empowers another family to parent with confidence and lead with grace. Make a donation to Connected Families today!

Take a second to rate the show or share this episode with a friend. We’re so grateful if you do!

Guest Bio:

Josh and Rachel are a married duo from Central Minnesota. They have been married for 15 years, with three kids, one dog, a bunny, and a bird. After becoming CF Certified Parent Coaches, they launched The Freedom Center MN, a mental health practice in Willmar, MN.

Less arguing. More wisdom.

That’s what you get with the Power of Questions online course.

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How to Talk to Your Child About Difficult Topics [Part 1]

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 19 Aug 2024 04:43:00 +0000

Whether it’s swearing, sex, racism, or a loved one’s choice, talking about difficult topics is a requirement of parenting. Listen in as Josh and Rachel Keller, MA, LPCC (Connected Families Certified Parent Coaches), join us to share practical ideas for approaching difficult conversations with kids of all ages. In their light-hearted and humorous way, they encourage us to reflect, embrace the awkward, and lead with curious questions. You’ll feel encouraged and equipped for your next tough conversation. And don’t miss next week’s episode, where Josh and Rachel roleplay awkward and challenging conversations.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

Every donation, whether big or small, empowers another family to parent with confidence and lead with grace. Make a donation to Connected Families today!

Take a second to rate the show or share this episode with a friend. We’re so grateful if you do!

Guest Bio:

Josh and Rachel are a married duo from Central Minnesota. They have been married for 15 years and have three kids, one dog, a bunny, and a bird. After becoming CF Certified Parent Coaches, they launched The Freedom Center MN, a mental health practice in Willmar, MN.

Less arguing. More wisdom.

That’s what you get with the Power of Questions online course.

$35

LEARN MORE

Asking vs. Telling: What Parents Need to Know About Questions & Learning

Chad Hayenga — Tue, 06 Aug 2024 11:52:00 +0000

Are you asking or telling your kids what to do? I’m a teller by nature. It seems easier. Maybe it’s just more efficient. I tell my child what to do, and then she does it. I tell her the answer to her question, and she submissively accepts it: no (more) questions. Because in the lineup of asking vs. telling, telling wins in the efficiency category, hands down!

When we really consider the implications of this type of parent/child relationship, any short-term peace we might accomplish does not bring about the long-term life skills we desire.

What happens when you tell more often than you ask?

When we tell our kids to do routine tasks over and over again, we lose an excellent opportunity to help grow their capacity to think for themselves. Kids who are raised in a home with frequent directions and fewer questions may:

Become dependent on others’ directives as they rely on other people to tell them what to do and when to do it.
They miss the opportunity to develop critical thinking skills. When the “director” isn’t present, they don’t grow in their ability to look around and see what needs to happen.
May even become conditioned to tune out their parents’ requests and demands.

And it’s not just about those all-important critical thinking skills. If your goal is for your kids to remember what you’re telling them, you may want to tell them less. In a study on the impact of asking questions on learning, students were put in three groups. The first group watched a video that stopped at various points. They were then asked questions to prompt a discussion in their small group and allow students to explain what they were learning. A second group watched the video with no prompts for discussion. The third group was the control group, which watched an entirely different video unrelated to the topic at hand. Then, all three groups read a text about the topic and answered questions about it. At first, no significant differences in recall were found. However…one month later, participants who had actively engaged in discussion remembered more from the text. The conclusion appears justified that those who initially participated in a discussion were positively affected in remembering key information.

In fact, here’s where parents should really pay attention: the group that just sat there and listened did not perform much better than the group that listened to an entirely unrelated topic after one month. Have you ever felt your words just weren’t sticking with your kids? Well, here’s evidence to back you up!

In contrast, when students explained what they were hearing and learning in their own words, they still remembered the content one month later!

In my years of coaching hundreds of parents, I’ve encouraged them to ask their kids questions to activate higher-level thinking.

Thankfully, there’s been a lot of research on this topic!

What’s the difference between telling and asking? And how do I know if I’m asking effectively?

Jack Wright, PhD, of The National Association for the Education of Young Children, states, “Asking children open-ended questions starts a conversation—and builds a relationship—and it even helps develop children’s brains. Asking them open-ended questions that help them think about how they want to behave, supports reflection, and increases self-control over time.”

Other research has shown that when asked probing questions or given the opportunity to explain their observations in discovery-based learning classrooms, children had better learning retention.

That’s a lot of positive outcomes, but how do you ask questions better? If you really want to master the art of asking instead of telling (and reap all those amazing learning benefits), read on for three ways to begin doing that.

1. Check your motivation first

Let’s say your child missed taking the garbage to the street, a job they know is theirs. The following day, you have three possible ways of handling this.

A. You launch into a lecture about responsibility and paying attention to what day of the week it is.
B. You ask your child in the morning. “Hey, do you know what day it is? And what day does the trash go out?” (Some questions are really just a parent’s clever way of telling.)
C. “Hey, Buddy, I’m pretty frustrated because we have so much trash. Are you aware of why that might be? Okay, how can we avoid this next week?”

Option B is better than Option A, and that deserves celebration. However, it still mainly points out the problem, which is just slightly better than telling your child there’s a problem. Option C moves into problem-solving, bringing you both onto the same team and inviting your child to come up with a solution.

Are you pointing out a problem, or are you inviting problem-solving? If you enter the moment knowing what answer they had better give you, it’s probably only slightly better than you just telling them.

2. Avoid sarcasm and condescension

You know those rhetorical questions vented in frustration? Most of us are guilty of asking them at times. For example, “You don’t know? How many times have I told you, and you still don’t know?” This type of question isn’t really looking for an answer. It’s simply an expression of disapproval, an attempt to trap a child into admitting failure.

3. Start from a place of curiosity

Stop and invite yourself to be genuinely curious. What do you know about this situation? Is there anything you’d really like to understand better about your child’s motivations? How can you ask from that place rather than a place of frustration? Good questions arise from curiosity and genuine interest in your child’s thoughts and experiences.

If you’re not feeling genuinely curious, even if what you say has a question mark at the end, you’ll tell your child what you want them to hear. But that’s not really asking your child for their input or developing critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

Free resource: “Ask a Curious Question”

We have a FREE downloadable resource for this topic! Check out “Ask a Curious Question.” Download it today to be equipped to have better conversations with kids.

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Two practical examples of how you can move from telling to asking

Here are a few examples that might help you better incorporate questions into your daily routines:

What parents often tell kids: “Get ready for bed!”

You could ask instead:

“What time is it?”
“What usually happens at about this time?”
What are all the things that need to happen to get to bed on time?
What do you want to do first?
What happens if you make it to bed on time?

Likely result of asking over time:

You get to affirm your child for responding well to your questions and acknowledge how responsible they are becoming. You can lovingly affirm their good choices and gently hold them accountable when things get off track.

What parents often tell kids: “Do your homework!”

You could ask instead:

How are things looking for homework tonight?
How long do you expect it to take?
What’s on the calendar?
Are there other things that are going on tonight that are important to you or others?

Likely result of asking over time:

You learn to hear your child’s perspective. The responsibility and time management of doing homework are placed primarily on your child. You help your child remember the expectations and consider what else may be on the family calendar for the evening.

Jesus set the example

Perhaps all this is why Jesus was famous for asking lots of questions—over 300 are recorded in scripture. He often responded to a question with another question. These 300 questions are a small glimpse of the thousands of questions that He probably asked.

In his book Jesus Is the Question, Martin Copenhaver claims that “Jesus was more than 40 times as likely to ask a question rather than answer one directly, and he was 20 times as likely to offer an indirect answer as a direct one.”

Jesus wanted people to internalize, process, and choose to respond to His teaching, not just repeat it back or follow blindly.

Asking vs. telling: It’s ultimately about long-term skills vs short-term peace

When I coach parents, I encourage them to have the long-term goal in mind. Questions are not a magic pill or quick fix that will turn your child into an expert at immediate obedience. When you begin asking more questions, you will likely be met with many “I don’t know” and shoulder shrugs. This approach will likely be new to your kids, and they may not know what to do with it, so expect some growing pains as they learn a new way of doing things!

Here are a couple of pointers when asking your kids questions:

Be kind.
Be curious.
Be patient.
Be playful.

Learn to ask more and tell less

Start with self-awareness. Over the next week, put some effort into noticing how much you tell vs. how much you ask. Have you found that you’ve been in a rut with directions and demands? Consider confessing to your kids if you’ve been impatient lately and that you’d like to change. Ask them if they have any suggestions about how you could help them be more responsible for themselves.

As your kids become confident in what is expected of them, they may begin to proactively take on more responsibility. The result over time? A greater sense of peace and connection in your home.

Watch this short (1:36) video of Chad talking more about asking questions vs telling.

Do you feel like everything’s a fight? It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Check out our online course: The Power of Questions: Less Arguing. More Wisdom. This 4-session course will teach you how to stop arguing with your child and cultivate wisdom by asking thoughtful and curious questions.

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There’s hope! Let’s review…

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

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Less arguing. More wisdom.

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Asking vs. Telling: What Parents Need to Know About Questions & Learning

What happens when you tell more often than you ask?

What’s the difference between telling and asking? And how do I know if I’m asking effectively?

1. Check your motivation first

2. Avoid sarcasm and condescension

3. Start from a place of curiosity

Free resource: “Ask a Curious Question”

Two practical examples of how you can move from telling to asking

What parents often tell kids: “Get ready for bed!”

You could ask instead:

Parent with Confidence
Discipline with Love

Parent with Confidence
Discipline with Love