Sensitive & Intense – Connected Families

3 Unexpected Parenting Strategies to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

Lynne Jackson, OTR — Wed, 12 Mar 2025 08:01:00 +0000

Do you have an “over-the-top” challenging child? Maybe you’ve already heard the term “highly sensitive” given to your child, either by teachers, a pediatrician, friends, or “Dr. Google.” Parents often see me for coaching because they are looking for parenting strategies for their highly sensitive child.

Or maybe you haven’t yet heard this term. Maybe you’re just wondering why this one child is so much more challenging than other kids their age. If so, it probably means that your child has high sensory or emotional sensitivity…or both! And along with sensitivity almost always comes higher anxiety and intensity. You might be seriously wondering, “How on earth do I parent my highly sensitive child?”

It’s important to distinguish and understand as best you can the differences between these two types of sensitivity (sensory or emotional) and how they may be an issue for your child.

Do you have a sensory sensitive child?

Kids with significant sensory challenges are easily overwhelmed by intense or confusing sensations from their body or their surroundings.

The specific behaviors that would clue a parent in to these sensory challenges are numerous and varied. These children are often louder, more intense, active, emotional, reactive, and/or strong-willed than their peers. (If you don’t have one of these kiddos in your family, you probably have a close friend or relative who does!)

You may relate to statements like:

“Dressing is an ordeal for my daughter. No tags, and sometimes no socks because the seams drive her crazy. And then there’s toothbrushing and nail trimming!”
“My teen has never been a touchy child. It used to be tough to get him to slow down for a hug, but now he even pulls away and acts like I’ve violated his space.”
“Loud, unexpected sounds can just set her off. Fire drills are traumatic, just like blenders and vacuum cleaners when she was young.”
“My child is such a picky eater. I feel like I’m always special order cooking. Anything green for dinner can trigger an outburst. And the smell and texture of foods can be just too much!”
“My son just can’t sit still. He’s always squirming and wiggling. It’s almost impossible to get him to slow down, look me in the eye, and really listen.”
“My child is easily overstimulated. Large groups of kids, crowded places, or busy stores are usually a setup for trouble.”

If these descriptions resonate with you, you will want to check out this 5-minute in-depth questionnaire. Note: The center column describes characteristics of a well-functioning sensory system and the two side columns list characteristics that cause stress for kids.

Sensitivity is not based on a certain number of items checked in the side columns. Instead, consider the degree those issues interfere with daily life. There might be a few things that are really stressful and limiting for your child. For example, your child can’t use a public restroom because the smells and flushing sounds are so aversive.

There is significant overlap between sensory processing challenges (including sensory sensitivity) and diagnoses like autism, anxiety disorder, and ADHD, but sensory processing challenges can be a stand-alone issue as well. Depending on how it’s measured, sensory sensitivities can present in anywhere from 5% to 16% (or even up to 21%!) of kids.

The latter study also called for increased services for those kids with both sensory sensitivities and an externalizing disorder. (An externalizing disorder is “problematic behavior related to poor impulse control.”) In families with both of these challenges, there is an “extremely high level of family impairment reported.”

If you are wondering if these sensory processing issues are contributing to your child’s challenges, ask your pediatrician about a referral to a pediatric occupational therapist.

The good news is that “warm and supportive parenting practices seem to suppress genetic risk for externalizing.” In other words, researchers have measured that effective parent training can be significantly helpful for the kids and families who struggle with these issues.

Wondering if your child has sensory challenges?

Review our Sensory Processing Questionnaire to have a better understanding of whether your child is sensory craving or sensory avoiding.

DOWNLOAD SENSORY PROCESSING QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you have an emotionally sensitive child?

A close cousin of a sensitive sensory system is a sensitive temperament. A child that has a sensitive temperament usually has some sensory sensitivities as well, but the core characteristic is emotional sensitivity and depth.

This child may be observant and perceptive about others’ emotions and ask the kind of insightful, deep questions that make you want to consult a psychologist or theologian! They are often very perceptive in social situations and tune in to body language and facial expressions. They may quickly reflect someone else’s anxiety, especially a sibling’s or parent’s.

In general, children with sensitive temperaments are more prone to anxiety and perfectionism, and many are gifted kids.

Elaine Aron, a lead researcher in sensitive temperaments, suggests that around 15% of all children are considered “highly sensitive.” You can see a questionnaire she has developed about highly sensitive children here.

Our kids had both sensory and emotional sensitivity

Talking about highly sensitive children hits close to home for us: our two youngest kids had strong sensory sensitivities. Anxious outbursts could happen with the feeling of clothing changes, toothbrushing, or cold toilet seats. The sound of a blender, a vacuum cleaner, thunderstorms, or fire alarms inevitably led to intense, distressed reactions.

Our youngest son, a perpetual-motion kiddo, was described by his pediatrician as a “textbook example of ADHD.” Our daughter had a highly sensitive temperament and struggled with anxiety in addition to her sensory sensitivities.

What we didn’t realize was that although our oldest child didn’t have significant sensory issues (a few emerged as a young teen), he had an extremely sensitive temperament. As an adult, he is deeply concerned and grieved about the need for justice and compassion for everyone. But in the early years, that sensitivity and perfectionism mostly looked like being strong-willed, a deep thinker, and very determined about fairness.

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The Sensitive & Intense Kids online course is a game changer. It’s for YOU.

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The parenting strategy that didn’t work: disciplining a child for their sensitivity

We learned early on that disciplining our highly sensitive children for these reactions was like punishing them for getting a cold.

Needless to say, we had an “exciting” household! The various sensitivities and the intensity compelled us (particularly me!) to learn what we could do to help our kids, leading my career as an occupational therapist to shift to a focus on pediatrics. My years of working with kids with sensory and behavioral challenges and my husband Jim’s work with at-risk teens taught us a lot about the needs of sensitive, intense kids.

Parenting strategy #1: Set aside judgments and unhelpful thoughts.

The journey to helping your child starts with setting aside judgments or unhelpful, negative thoughts like “Here we go again,” “I’m so sick of this!” or even “What’s going to happen to this child?!” Instead, you can respond with God’s grace, realizing that your child’s challenging behavior is about much more than simple defiance, a “bad attitude,” or disobedience.

Of course, this is more than a parenting strategy: it’s about you and your internal thoughts and heart work.

If you have a sensitive, intense child, probably their physical sensations and/or their deep, strong emotions and thoughts are overwhelming, stressful, and even anxiety-producing for them! And their behavior often reflects this. (You’re probably not at your best when you are overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious either!)

When life overwhelms sensitive kids, they can be prone to what seem to be big overreactions, loud words, or “misbehavior.” In truth, it’s really about off-loading stress, and maybe even finding a big, expressive way to let you know they are stressed. Fun fact: swearing increases pain tolerance (which would indicate that “suffering in silence” is indeed a lot harder to bear.)😉)

Not only do the loud words off-load a child’s stress, but they probably get your attention and engagement! And that’s what your child’s brain is driving them to do. Another fun fact: in stressful situations, our brains give off oxytocin (the bonding chemical) to drive us to get help.

With these insights, it can be easier to have compassion for your sensitive, intense child’s challenging behavior and let go of your judgments. Although loud reactions can be tough on a family, there is help and hope for you and your child.

Parenting strategy #2: Shift your focus from what to do, to understanding what’s going on in your child.

The first practical step if you’re the parent of such a child is to spend a little more time understanding “What’s going on in my child?” instead of “What should I do?” By learning more about your child’s nervous system, you can get strong clues about what might be causing the specific challenges.

So consider: “What’s it like to be my child?”

What was happening just before my child really started to struggle?
What was the environment like? What sensory system might have been overwhelmed? Was it chaotic, visually overwhelming, loud, confusing, too many people?
Given my child’s wiring, was their skill level a mismatch for the demands of the situation (for example, required to sit still for too long a time)?
How might fatigue or hunger have been an issue? (For example, after school can be a predictably difficult time for a sensitive child.)
Did my child have reason to be anxious? Anger feels safer than anxiety, so it can be a quick default reaction for an anxious child (or parent.)
Did my child experience failure or rejection? Is it likely they were discouraged, ashamed or had hurt feelings?
Simply ask your child, “Is there something that made this situation harder for you than usual?”

One mom’s “Aha!” moment

I coached a mom whose desperation about “What should I do?” led her to seek help through coaching. First, we addressed the more helpful question, “What’s going on in my child?” As the mom began to understand her daughter’s nervous system and the constant state of “fight-or-flight” her daughter lived in, the mom had an “Aha!” moment.

“Could it be that my daughter’s constipation and crabbiness are affected by her sensory challenges?” I explained that stress can often throw off digestive function. The mom completed her flash of insight: “And the way we’ve been handling it has only added to her stress!”

This understanding changed the mom’s response to the situation in subtle but powerful ways. Her daughter’s condition improved dramatically.

50 Self-Regulation Activities To Empower Your Child To Calm

It’s Not Defiance—It’s Science!

Morning Sensory Dysregulation

Video: Sensory Input Techniques to Calm and Focus your Child

Parenting strategy #3: Show empathy to your highly sensitive child.

When you better understand what’s going on in your child’s nervous system, you can better empathize. When you empathize, you are calmer, your child becomes calmer, and you can more creatively and positively develop solutions.

So practically, what does this look like?

Objectively describe what your child might have been experiencing:

“It was really noisy in here, and then someone bumped into you!”
“You were working so hard on that picture, and it didn’t turn out like you expected.”
“When we didn’t have your favorite cereal, that was an unhappy surprise.”

You might even want to empathize with their experience:

“The noise was stressful for me, too.”
“I get frustrated when things don’t go as I expect.”
“I understand being disappointed about cereal – I’m sad when I’m out of coffee in the morning!”

You can also validate what’s important to your child:

“You have more fun when you play with just a couple of kids.”
“You really like to do a good job on your pictures.”
“You love that Cinnamon Toast Crunch! It’s your favorite!”

When we respond to our kids with empathy, it represents the empathy of Jesus:

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15, 16.

Jesus understands us and, because of this, He can help us. And when you empathize with your sensitive, intense child, they know this: You get them, and you can help them.

Parenting strategies that aren’t really “strategies”

Of course, you might have noticed that these so-called “parenting strategies” for parenting a highly sensitive child aren’t… well, much of strategies, per se. They are, for the most part, the way you position your heart and thoughts. And that’s vitally important. Sensitive kids can be pretty perceptive. Many parenting “tips and tools” run amuck because parents use these strategies with frustration and a need for control, and kids smell that out.

Our children’s insightfulness is actually a gift to us. It holds us accountable to bring our overwhelmed hearts to God for encouragement before we engage with them.

Even empathy isn’t really empathy if used as a strategy or as a means to an end. Sometimes parents have told us, “I tried empathy, and it didn’t work!” If children sense that your “empathy” (“Oh, you seem really frustrated”) is just to get a behavioral outcome from them, you’ll probably erode your influence and their trust in you.

However, when you are positioned in a non-judgmental, empathic stance toward your child, your child begins to feel loved and understood. Their fight/flight system senses you’re an ally in the threat that is triggering them. That helps them to calm down. Just like us when we truly believe, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

Finally, you can gradually transition to solution questions, like:

“Do you need a hug?”
“What does your body need right now to feel better?”
“What shall we do to solve this problem?”

This way of responding communicates the four key messages of the Connected Families Framework:

You are SAFE with me.
You are LOVED no matter what.
You are CALLED and CAPABLE of solving problems with others.
You are RESPONSIBLE for making right what you’ve made wrong.

These messages, along with the many sensory-based resources we have for sensitive kids, can get your child started on using that awesome sensitivity and intensity for God’s wonderful purposes to be a blessing in this world!

Holding on to hope in God’s purposes for your child

Knowing that your child may be more sensitive than most can help you hold on to hope as you guide your child toward the wonderful purposes God has for all that sensitivity and intensity. I’ve often wondered what it would have been like to be the parent of a strong-willed Apostle Paul or impulsive, sassy Peter when they were kids! Did their parents have any idea of their incredible potential in the Kingdom of God??

A story of hope: Two of my first coaching clients, Ted and Jill, had a really sensory-sensitive 5-year-old who could be described as intense, impulsive, and sassy! Their daughter Lucy would have screaming outbursts about how her car seat felt unless her mom put a soft towel in it. And she was about as strong-willed as a kiddo could get. She would have been happy to run the family! Her dad told me he calmed himself when responding to her with the thought, “God made you!”

Want more of Ted and Jill’s story? Check out this podcast, “Strengths and Weaknesses: What a Child’s Misbehavior Tells Us”

Ted and Jill worked hard to parent according to the Connected Families Framework, giving Lucy lots of thoughtful choices to meet her valid need for healthy autonomy.

I was invited to Lucy’s graduation party and together we celebrated how God made her! All that intensity had been used at her very large high school to joyfully share the gospel, start a bible study, be elected Homecoming Queen, and give a crazy-amazing commencement speech as valedictorian!

Now can you take it to the bank that if you “do the right stuff,” your child will turn out just like that? Of course not! But we want to encourage you not to paint a dismal picture of your child’s future because they are struggling now. There are many practical strategies for helping highly sensitive children thrive!

And so you too can calm yourself with scriptural truth when your child is struggling: “God made you. And He has good purposes for your sensitivity and intensity!” Together with your child you can discover those purposes.

Psalm 139:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

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From Quirky to Distressing: Understanding Sensory Sensitivities

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 10 Mar 2025 02:27:00 +0000

If you’ve got a child who complains about the volume of the microwave or who won’t venture into the living room without turning off the overhead lights, this conversation on sensory sensitivities is for you! Listen in as Stacy Bellward interviews Lynne Jackson (Occupational Therapist and Connected Families Co-Founder) Together they dig into parenting sensitive and intense children, focusing on sensory processing challenges. Lynn emphasizes trusting parental intuition and explains how sensory issues can be potential gifts when managed well.

Mentioned in this podcast:

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Guest Bio:

Lynne Jackson, OTR is one of the Co-Founders of Connected Families. As a parent coach and mom of three intense kids herself, Lynne has walked alongside hundreds of parents to encourage and bring hope. She is also a research enthusiast and loves leaning into the brain science and research to better equip parents and caregivers. Most importantly, as a follower of Christ, she brings biblical wisdom, abundant grace, and a “no shame” policy.

SPECIAL MARCH OFFER EXTENDED THROUGH FRIDAY APRIL 4TH!

Join The Table at a suggested donation of $35 a month in March and enjoy FREE access to our popular Sensitive & Intense Kids online course PLUS a free enrollment to share with another family.

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Beyond Obedience: One Mom's Journey from Desperation to Connection

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 04:22:00 +0000

In this podcast we chat with Danika Delello, who shares how desperate she was for help when dealing with her strong-willed child’s frequent, lengthy tantrums. She talks about switching her parenting mindset from an obedience-focused approach to one based on connection and grace through the Connected Families Framework. Danika relates how this shift allowed her to be present in a loving, affectionate way during her child’s difficult meltdowns and gave her insight into her own relation to God. We know you’ll relate to and feel encouraged by this mom’s journey to joy and connection.

Mentioned in this podcast:

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Guest Bio:

Danika Delello and her husband Jared live in central Virginia, where she homeschools their three children. They love hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains, playing board games, and reading copious amounts of books. They always seek to become more like Jesus and be a family that exemplifies him to others.

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The “Stubborn” Child: A Simple Mindset Shift Might Transform Your Relationship

Lynne Jackson — Tue, 10 Dec 2024 17:06:23 +0000

You know that child that digs in their heels and absolutely refuses to comply? If you’ve got a “stubborn” child that you just don’t know how to help, it can feel very isolating and discouraging. All the methods and things that “work” for others probably don’t help your persistent and persevering child.

Danika and her husband found Connected Families in a season of desperation. Maybe you can relate?

Their first child is a sweet, eager-to-please kiddo, and it became easy to think that they had this parenting thing figured out. Their second is another story. She is delightful and at times shifts into “fight-or-flight mode,” becoming feisty and oppositional. This threw her parents for a loop.

“Oh my goodness, the level of stubbornness and downright nastiness was just stunning at times. We thought, ‘What’s even happening here?’” shared Danika.

Maybe you can relate to Danika because you have a strong-willed, “stubborn” child of your own. Navigating tantrums and disobedience can be exhausting. Especially when your best efforts don’t seem to be helping.

Typical parenting can make things worse with a persistent and persevering “stubborn” child

Danika told us, “When she acted horribly, I used to say, ‘Keep it to yourself, do it in your room, and don’t come out until you are done.’ We would just yell at her and list punishment after punishment, and she would go into a dysregulated state—unable to calm herself down. It was heartbreaking. But we didn’t know what to do. Consequences only inflamed a bad situation, bribery led nowhere, and reasoning with her was completely futile.”

They hit a boiling point. “We were searching for tips and resources, yet nothing was helping. We were so burnt out.”

Desperate for help, Danika found Connected Families through Facebook and was surprised by a different approach to parenting. Intrigued, Danika added Jim and Lynne Jackson’s book, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart, to the armload of parenting books she’d already ordered.

“Consequences only inflamed a bad situation, bribery led nowhere, and reasoning with her was completely futile.” – Danika D.

The mindset shift: God parents you with grace

How does God parent you? By punishing you every time you make a mistake? By putting you in timeout and refusing to comfort you? Not at all! Embracing this shift in mindset can transform the home of the so-called “stubborn” child.

All children crave grace and compassion from their parents, but the persistent and persevering child may react angrily to anything less than that. And that’s the gift of a challenging child: they force you to reevaluate and dig deeper into what you believe.

“I always believed that obedience was the primary goal of parenting, and when I didn’t get that result, I would become harsh, punitive, and angry. I would also withhold warmth and affection, unknowingly, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do.

My world has been changed by the Jackson’s book. It is so different from everything I knew, and it has opened my eyes so much to God’s grace and love….things I’ve always had trouble understanding,” Danika said.

Danika told us, “The Jackson’s book helped me to realize that my parenting approach didn’t match up with the grace of the Gospel.” Perhaps you, too, have struggled with how you were “supposed” to parent and what you were taught about the Gospel.

For Danika, the damage of this misalignment wasn’t just for her kids; it was hurting her own relationship with God. “My belief that obedience was the ultimate goal had always kept me from fully understanding God’s grace. If God treated me the way I thought I was supposed to treat my children and was withholding affection from me whenever I sinned, then I wouldn’t be able to fully experience His love.

The Connected Families Framework focuses on a foundation of safety and love rooted in Christ’s profound grace for us. That was the puzzle piece that was missing for me,” Danika shared. “Living out the Gospel for my children is what I’m created to do as their parent, and I can do it best by loving them with the grace, kindness, and gentleness of Jesus.”

“If my daughter is not obeying, I can love her and be affectionate.” Danika shared. “But thanks to Connected Families, I now see that it’s good for her, for me, and for her relationship with God that I go into her room and be with her and help her to calm down. There are still consequences, but I can show her love. I’m learning to give grace and calmly say, ‘You are clearly acting out of exhaustion and need some rest.’ I am shifting from a shaky foundation to a solid foundation.”

The impact of grace on the home

Obedience does not come before love anymore.

What’s ultimate now is connection. And everyone in Danika’s house feels so much better! “A few months into applying these principles, our home has been far more peaceful, and my relationship with my daughter has been so much better.”

There is growing understanding and collaboration to solve problems instead of loud and harsh punishments. I’m learning practical, day-to-day strategies to nurture my children’s trust-based obedience and train them in godly living.

For this perspective shift and this teaching of dependence on the grace of Jesus, Danika is forever grateful. She and her husband are changing the trajectory of their family for generations to come!

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Help! My Child Is Defiant and Disrespectful

Anna Braasch and Kara Skarda — Tue, 12 Nov 2024 05:25:00 +0000

You probably know the signs of your child’s defiance or disrespect a few seconds before it lands. You see it in their body language, and you feel it in your own body as you try to prepare. If you’ve got a child who is frequently defiant and disrespectful, you’ve got some practice enduring intentionally painful words. It’s pretty tough to see the sunny side of things when your child screams irrational, hurtful things at you or blatantly defies your authority.

The easy way to react to a defiant or disrespectful child

To protect yourself and regain a sense of control, you might fire back, “This is NOT OKAY!!” “You can’t talk to me this way!” “Go to your room.” “No video games for you this week!” “I’m taking your phone away!” Or conversely, you might minimize their anger with a comment like, “I know you don’t mean that.”

If you’re like most parents, when you face disrespect, anger, rebellion, and general sassiness, you’ll probably either impose strong consequences or ignore it and hope the attitude goes away.

What’s going on under the surface…in you?

Unfortunately, neither of these approaches addresses the root of the issue. Defiance and disrespect do not happen in isolation; they are often symptoms of a lot brewing under the surface. Instead of quick defensive reactions, you can prayerfully consider a response that builds the kind of relational strength that will help heal the problem in the long run. That’s why we always encourage you to look below the surface.

The Connected Families Framework’s Foundation starts with the question, “What’s going on in me?” Ask yourself this and reflect on what you’re thinking and experiencing when your child shows moments of outright defiance or yells rude words at you. Sometimes, just naming what you’re feeling in those moments allows you to begin to calm your own reactions.

Other times, there may be a lie you’re believing about yourself (“I’m failing as a parent!”) or your child (“This kid just doesn’t care!”) that is holding you all back from the deeper, more respectful relationship you desire. Oftentimes, kids feel (and live up to!) our judgments.

If this kind of thinking is a struggle for you, consider this podcast about soaking in God’s grace so you can give it to your kids.

King David confidently asked God:
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23,24

How could David be so vulnerable? He had been reveling in God’s intimate knowledge of and love for him for eighteen verses just prior to the request in verses 23-24. He felt safe enough to ask God to reveal his blind spots so he could better follow God’s leading.

When your child is loud, angry, and defiant, they are covering a world of inner hurt.

What’s going on in your child?

From there, dig deeper into what’s going on with the disrespect and defiance. These three questions may guide you:

What is going on in my child during this stressful moment?
Where might there be disconnection in my relationship with my child?
Is it possible my judgments about my child are impacting my actions?

Why are kids sometimes disrespectful and defiant?

There’s not one single answer that applies to all kids, but it is almost always an outward expression of an inward struggle. When your child is loud, angry, and defiant, they are covering a world of inner hurt.

This doesn’t imply there is no sin involved for either of you in the conflict, but it is simply more complicated. (Consider the Lord’s compassionate response to Moses’ defiance or to Elijah’s “I’ve had enough, Lord.”)

A few possible causes of defiance and disrespect include:

Your child is struggling with friends, school, or other things that have absolutely nothing to do with you, but you are the one safe person they feel they can show all their feelings to. They just haven’t learned a more constructive way of letting out negative feelings, so it comes out as anger and defiance at you.
Their sensory system is overloaded or dysregulated, and they don’t even know what they’re upset about. You can easily recognize this in toddlers, but some kids struggle with it even into their teens. (You might be interested in reading about teaching self-regulation to your child.)
They’re feeling disconnected from you (more on that below).

Why would my child feel disconnected from me?

In this broken world of ours, some of the causes of disconnect you can’t control, while others you do have more influence over. But since disconnect feeds anger, defiance, and disrespect, it’s good to understand. A few of the many potential causes of a disconnect in your parent-child relationship include:

Sensory sensitivities/hyperactivity that make it difficult for children to receive physical touch and other calming comfort from parents.
Stressful family circumstances in a child’s developmental years interfere with a parent’s ability to express caring and the child’s ability to receive it. This can be due to a number of factors such as adoption, illness, family disruption, and loss.
A home environment that feels emotionally unsafe. This can cause children to self-protect instead of bond with a parent.
A specific misunderstanding or painful event that has put some temporary stress on your relationship. Sometimes this even happens when you’ve done the right thing, such as laying down a necessary boundary, but your child was nevertheless hurt by it.

If your child feels disconnected from you, it’s especially important that the way you respond to defiance and disrespect is aimed at healing the relationship. Even if the disconnect isn’t the cause of the defiance (maybe they had a bad day at school, and they’re pouring the defiance and disrespect out on you precisely because they feel emotionally safe with you), focusing on healing the hurt while maintaining healthy boundaries*, is always wise.

*Maybe you need to take a step back, pause, and breathe in God’s presence before responding.

Get excited about the opportunity defiance and disrespect offer

Many years ago, when my children (who had joined our family through adoption) were around 4 and 6, some of the long-time parenting struggles we were experiencing started to escalate. During this time, I began to embrace the ideas that Connected Families taught, and I changed the way I parented and disciplined. The biggest change for me was to look for and even value the times when my kids were angry, disrespectful, rebellious, or sassy.

Why would I be excited about anger and disrespect?!

Because I knew that whenever disconnection and disrespect were present, it was the greatest opportunity to build connection and promote healing in our family. And that’s why I learned to look forward to my kids’ defiance.

The “Play-Doh” brain of defiance

To help me do this, I began to visualize their brains during high-stress situations as a big ball of Play-Doh. I could choose at that moment what kind of “print” in their Play-Doh brains I wanted to make. (This is an oversimplified analogy for neuroplasticity, but this word picture works for me!) These “Play-Doh moments” are when I have the most significant opportunity to rewire their brain pathways and heal their challenges with connection and attachment.

The Connected Families Framework during disrespect and defiance

To begin the healing process in our family, we became intentional in the messages
we were sending to our kids during discipline situations. We used the Connected Families Framework to work through these messages.

Foundation: You are SAFE with me, even if you’re screaming at me

The most important message that all kids (and especially children who struggle with attachment) need to hear is that they are safe. For me, this means lots of deep breaths and prayer. Even when “I hate you, you’re the worst mom ever!” is being screamed at me.

Connect: You are LOVED, even when you say you hate me

Secondly, my kids must know that they are loved no matter what. That my love for them doesn’t change based on how they treat me.

I learned from Empowered to Connect that: “Children from hard places need to learn how to trust in order to heal. For this to happen, parents must move in closer even as their child pushes them away. They must resolve conflict and respond to misbehavior in ways that both correct and connect. This often requires parents to connect first, then correct – an approach that goes against the instincts of most parents, but actually can make their correction even more effective.”

Coach: You are CALLED & CAPABLE of remaining calm during stressful situations

If my kids weren’t able to stay calm during stressful situations, that was a clear indicator to me that they needed more support in their development. This meant engaging professional help such as attachment therapy, play therapy, and occupational therapy (all the therapies!). My husband and I also modeled and practiced skills to coach our kids on healthy responses. Reading children’s books focused on character development was another fantastic way to develop these skills!

Correct: You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions

And, of course, as I was raising my kids, they still needed to be held responsible for their actions and misbehavior. My prayer life became essential as I became intentional about consequences that built reconciliation and long-term wisdom.

I was tucking my son into bed after a particularly rough evening when he was around 6, and I told him, “I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
“You know what? I love you even when you say you hate me.”
“You know what, Mom? I love you too, even when I say I hate you.”

If your child is disrespectful and defiant, embrace the opportunity

Even now, as my kids are entering young adulthood, I try to visualize their Play-Doh brains and the messages that are being imprinted. As difficult as it might be, I choose to embrace times of defiance and disrespect, as these are the perfect opportunities to build safety and connection.

Author note: My children, 17 & 19, gave me permission to share this story. Through many big and small moments, we’ve grown to have a high level of mutual respect and admiration. Over the years, one factor contributing to this trust has been gaining their permission to share our story when we all agree it could help others.

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Supporting Your Teen with Empathy and Connection

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 12 Feb 2024 03:16:00 +0000

Dive into the trials and triumphs of parenting teens with CF Certified Parent Coaches, Katie Wetsell and Julia Rupp and our host, Stacy Bellward. They examine teen anxiety, independence, and the art of calm communication. They also unpack ways to stay available and connected through teen struggles, especially with a sensitive or intense child. We know this conversation will encourage you to parent your teens with wisdom and hope. (Note: Stories are shared with permission from their teens, and the use of “they/them” language is related to privacy, not identity.)

Mentioned in this podcast:

Research cited by Katie Wetsell:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting.

Did you find this episode helpful? Share it with a friend! Or take a minute to rate and review our show.

Your donation fuels our work! Donate to Connected Families today.

Guest Bio:

Julia Rupp is a Connected Families Certified Parent Coach and lives in South Carolina with her husband and two children. They experienced a significant breakthrough in their parenting while partnering with a Connected Families coach and utilizing the parenting Framework. Because of the incredible impact that Connected Families made in their lives, Julia now desires to walk alongside other families and equip them with perspective and tools so that they might experience that same change and restored hope. Whether you are struggling with toddler meltdowns or teenage rebellion, she would love to encourage you. You can find her at Always Hope Parent Coaching.

Katie Wetsell is the Connected Families online course moderator. She is also a Connected Families Certified Parent Coach, pediatric nurse, and mom of four through birth and adoption. She is passionate about encouraging and empowering parents to love their families with confidence and connection. Building on her bedside experience, she has also been trained in SPACE treatment (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) to help parents support their children in overcoming anxiety. Her website is www.parentwithhope.org.

Do you have a child with EXTRA needs?

Parenting isn’t easy, but when you’ve got an extra INTENSE or SENSITIVE child with big feelings… it’s even harder.

The Sensitive and Intense Kids online course will equip you to parent well, even with these unique kiddos.

LEARN MORE

50 Self-Regulation Activities To Empower Your Child To Calm

Lynne Jackson, OTR — Tue, 30 Jan 2024 11:39:00 +0000

Self-regulation. Emotional regulation. There’s a difference. You might not be sure exactly what those buzzwords mean. But you do want to help your child get to a settled place when their big emotions seem to take over in hurtful ways. It can be so discouraging when you offer to help your child calm down, and they respond, NOOOOO!, and the big emotions get even bigger!!

This post will equip you with the key insights and practical tools you need to help your child feel understood and empowered to work through their big feelings. It draws from my decades of experience coaching parents and working with sensitive, intense kids as an occupational therapist, so whether you have a toddler or a teen, you’ll be more equipped to bring peace to moments of mayhem!

What is self-regulation? How is it different from emotional regulation?

Self-regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to monitor and manage your “arousal state” or energy level. More specifically, it means being aware of your energy level (and basic emotions) that result from either external experiences and/or your internal thoughts. The next step is choosing strategies to adjust your energy level for the most effective response.

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies = SELF-REGULATION

As an adult, this might look like, “I am losin’ it!! I’m going to go take a walk and cool down!” With the strong, rhythmical, calming muscle-joint input of walking as you take a brisk walk, you use up the fight/flight chemistry that had started to flood your system. This helps your brain decide “the danger is over,” and your frontal lobe begins to function again.

That’s self-regulation, and it preps you for the next step: emotional regulation.

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies = SELF-REGULATION

Emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is when you understand, evaluate and even problem-solve what you are feeling. Sometimes self-regulation and emotional regulation get mixed up in pop terminology.

Emotional regulation involves the skills to answer these questions:

What am I feeling?
What thoughts or beliefs are driving those feelings?
What is a wise course of action? (i.e., let it go or ideas to solve the problem)

In our example, emotional regulation might be, “Ok, that anger was actually about feeling overwhelmed and out of control. And I’m worried about what’s going to happen with my intense oldest child. Although things aren’t really as bad as they seemed at the time, it would still be good to look for a time to problem-solve this issue with her when we’re both relaxed.”

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies + emotional insight = EMOTIONAL REGULATION

This kind of emotional insight is a complicated and often slow process. The brain will shut the process of emotional regulation down in fight-or-flight because emotional regulation gets in the way of quick, self-protective, fight-or-flight reactions.

So much hurt can be caused by family members who just lash out and move on, with no awareness of what was happening under the surface. If they never learn any new ways to handle intense emotions, the cycle just repeats. (Note: The Bible doesn’t tell us to suppress our feelings but to have an understanding of them so we don’t wound others or ourselves.)

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” Proverbs 14:29 NLT

So if you want to learn new skills as you work through the frustrations of family life, remember this: self-awareness → calming strategy → emotional insight is a vital sequence for both parents and kids.

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies + emotional insight = EMOTIONAL REGULATION

Adults often regulate themselves and don’t realize it

Most of us have a go-to strategy when we need to calm down. Those are really important skills to have as a parent, especially when they keep us from “losin’ it” with our kids!

Deep, rhythmical breaths.
A few minutes in a quiet room away from the chaos.
A phone call to a friend.
A cup of tea.
A funny TV show.

These are self-regulation activities, and you probably know which self-regulation activities help you. Often (thanks to a lifetime of experience), we do these things without even realizing they are helping us calm down!

But for our kids’ unstable, developing brains, it’s another story…

What happens in fight-or-flight and how your child’s five senses can help

When your child is having a tantrum, their fight-or-flight system has “hijacked” their brain, and they have lost control. This does not ignore the role of choice, responsibility, and sin in a child’s (or adult’s) outburst. But for all of us, when needs and stress are high and skills are low, it’s very difficult to make a wise choice. Dysregulation is a neurological challenge. Because of that, you can think of your child’s outburst as primarily a brain issue, not a character issue.

In your child’s outburst, the blood flows out of the frontal lobe (where emotions are processed) and into the motor cortex and big muscles to prepare him/her for physical self-protection. Even if there’s no physical danger, it’s the same self-protection system.

When a person is in true danger, they cannot stop and consider, “Hmmm, what am I feeling right now?” That would slow down quick self-defense reactions, so emotional insight shuts down in fight-or-flight.

For a child to grow in emotional regulation and emotional intelligence, they need to calm down enough to get their frontal lobe “back online” and ready to process emotions.

Using the body for self-calming sensory activities

Lycra swing: “This is better than a birthday party!”

“Motion changes emotion.” Sensory activities do two important things:

They use up the big muscle fight-or-flight chemistry so that it doesn’t feed an ongoing anxious state.
They tap into the miracle of our sensory systems to signal an “all-clear.” Life is calm and pleasant, so the danger must be over.

“Ellie” instantly fell in love with her lycra swing, “This is better than a birthday party!” It grew to an interest in aerial silks, which is extremely regulating for her both at home and in weekly lessons. And it was a fun bonding experience when her mom joined her for parents’ night.

Ellie and her mom hanging upside down in aerials class.

By helping your kids learn self-regulation skills, their frontal lobes can resume functioning. Only then can they figure out what’s going on in them and what to do about it.

Self-regulation needs instruction and practice

For a small percentage of kids, self-regulation comes naturally. For most others, they need a lot of instruction and practice. So don’t be discouraged that your children aren’t emotional regulation masters!

You’ve probably experienced trying to get your kids to talk about why they got upset and made a poor choice. But… their brains were still in fight-or-flight. What happened?

They mostly likely either shut down or got even more upset. The conversation was probably anything but a wisdom-building, emotionally regulating discussion!

That’s why I’m so passionate about equipping you to help your children learn how to self-regulate.

Why is teaching self-regulation important?

Self-regulation is a stepping stone to emotional intelligence. These two skills will impact your kids’ ability to make and maintain lifelong relationships.

This may seem a bit scary if you’ve got a child that loses their cool easily, blames everyone else, and has little awareness about what is going on in them. But there’s plenty of hope!

Self-regulation makes lasting relationships possible.

We now understand that all intelligence, both emotional and cognitive, is malleable. In fact, when caregivers teach kids that kindness is not an innate quality but can be learned, bullying decreases! Considering all this, it only makes sense that you give your kids the best support in developing their emotional intelligence.

When big emotions sweep over your child, you can help your child learn to calm their body and even name the feeling. It’s a valuable opportunity to help your child develop into an emotionally aware and intelligent person who can forge meaningful friendships.

What do researchers say about self-regulation?

In his classic book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. states:

“…science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships. For parents, this quality of ‘emotional intelligence’ – as many now call it – means being aware of your children’s feelings, and being able to empathize, soothe, and guide them.”

Gottman notes that children “learn most lessons about emotion from their parents.”

In Emotional Intelligence, psychologist Daniel Goleman writes:

“This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings…”

When your kids are most upset, that’s when they need you the most. These challenging situations present a tremendous opportunity to help and equip them to process what’s going on inside themselves. Your effort prepares them for successful relationships both now and in the future.

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The Sensitive & Intense Kids online course is a game changer. It’s for YOU.

LEARN MORE

3 stages to consider when your child is unable to control their emotions

There are three developmental stages to consider when teaching your child self-regulation skills:

STAGE 1: Other-regulation

Rocking a fussy baby is an example of “other regulation.”

For the first few years, babies and toddlers depend on their caregiver in order to become calm when upset. Parents soothe their fussy, crying infants and toddlers by providing loving sensory input, such as hugging, rocking, providing a pacifier, singing, swaddling, or gentle bouncing. The child regulates, and bonding and trust increase.

There is a beautiful example of other-regulation in the Psalms:

“I have certainly soothed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child resting against his mother,
My soul within me is like a weaned child.” Psalm 131:2

The psalmist must have observed the powerful calming of a distressed child leaning on a parent for no other reason than comfort, and the sweet bonding and trust that grows. It is also a beautiful picture of our relationship with the “God of all comforts.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5) As you other-regulate (or co-regulate) with your child, lean into the sweetness of being a real-life representative of your compassionate, heavenly Father to your child.

STAGE 2: Co-regulation

Coloring together to calm down is an example of co-regulation.

As the child grows, they begin to “co-regulate” with their parents. You and the child participate together in calming activities, and your child absorbs some of your calmness. This might include reading a book before bedtime, taking deep breaths together when upset, or sharing a deep squeeze hug. These activities also develop bonding and trust.

STAGE 3: Self-regulation

Parents can guide their kids to “self-regulate” by encouraging independent, self-calming strategies and activities. By around age six, typically functioning kids can be taught to notice when their energy or emotional level rises and independently use a strategy for calming.

The younger you start with your children, the better. However, teaching self-regulation helps older kids as well.

3 examples of parents equipping their kids to calm

Other-regulation:

Harvey Karp suggests five classic strategies in his book and video Happiest Baby on the Block. These are other-regulation activities where the parents are completely responsible for the input:

Swaddling
Side/stomach position
Shushing
Swinging
Sucking

But older kids can benefit from other-regulation also, especially if trauma or sensory processing disorder are factors.

Jenna was able to help provide regulation for her 11-year-old daughter, who joined their family through adoption, by rocking her in a rocking chair. At first, her daughter resisted, thinking she was too big or too old. Even though she was almost too big to fit on her mom’s lap, she was able to calm with the gentle rocking of the chair and her mom’s soothing voice. Once she was calm, she was better able to articulate her needs.

Co-regulation:

Julie modeled “dragon breaths” (deep inhale through the nose, blowing a long “fiery” exhale out through the mouth) for her 4-year-old son Ty. Soon, he began to join her. He also began to notice there were times when his mom could benefit from a little deep breathing! 🙂

Tom would sit quietly with his son outside his preschool for a few minutes before dropping him off, which solved the problem of regular anxious outbursts.

When Kelly’s teen daughter got upset, they often went for a run together to discuss the conflict because it was calming and much more productive.

Self-regulation:

Marilyn guided her intense 5-year-old son toward self-regulation by offering choices of calming activities: “If Max gets on a roll, hardly anything stops him. But if I intervene immediately when he’s getting wound up, he responds well. I can guide him to do some calm down time in his hammock with music or do some big muscle/heavy lifting activities. He has improved in his reactions, and I am able to relate to him more calmly.”

All the parents mentioned here were able to help each child at different stages on the road to learning self-regulation. They used various calming sensory activities. This strengthened bonding and trust in the relationship, as they avoided escalating outbursts or sending their kids to their room.

What is your child’s self-regulation readiness?

Does your child respond best to direct soothing input from you? (“other regulation”)
Does your child do well when you do calming activities together? (“co-regulation”)
Is your child motivated to avoid outbursts and learn to calm down independently? (“self-regulation”)

In any case, when your child’s behavior starts escalating, calmly offer help within a few seconds—before their brain is flooded with fight/flight chemicals.

Try calming phrases like these:

“I can see this is bugging you. Let’s talk about it while we do something fun (or have a snack).”
“Hey Buddy, you’re really upset! I can help you.”
“What do you need right now? Is there something that can help you feel better so we can figure this out?”
“What will help your body so your thinking brain can work its best?”
“You can try to become calm here on the couch with us or go to a private space to help you feel better. Which do you want to do?”

What if my child resists calming suggestions?

You may be thinking, “If I suggest anything when my child is ramping up into an outburst, no way! They’ll flat-out refuse and get even madder!”

You know your child, and you’re probably right.

Anything that comes off to your child as, “You’re getting upset, so you need to do ‘x,y or z’ to calm down” will almost certainly add fuel to the fire. Your child will feel criticized and controlled and perceive you as a threat, not a helper.

The message that kids who are upset often get from parents is, “You’re mad, and I don’t really care what you’re feeling. I just want peace and quiet.” (Ouch. Does that sound familiar?) And what child would ever cooperate with that type of message when they’re hoppin’ mad, right?

No matter what the issue is, an almost sure-fire setup for failure is to try to get kids to do a behavior when they have no motivation and feel manipulated or forced.

One dad’s story of not overreacting

One dad told us this story of how his son is learning to self-regulate by coaching him and not overreacting when he is upset:

“We talk to Gabe about what he wants when he is upset (‘do you want a snuggle?’) and do not overreact when he is very angry. When we don’t over-respond to his outbursts, we can guide him to a quiet place (his room or our bed) where he can look at books, hang out with the cat, or snuggle his stuffed animals until he feels better. Sometimes rubbing his back helps to work out unhappy feelings.”

So here’s the secret… BUILD MOTIVATION FIRST!

Modeling is the best motivation builder

If you want to maximize children’s learning (and cooperation), model this: use sensory activities first with a sincere goal of calming yourself.

Model self-regulation with calming activities.

Do this on numerous occasions. Let kids know what you’re doing and why. Then self-affirm by stating how helpful it was for you.

Don’t invite your kids to join you until they’ve noticed a difference in you! Then when you invite your kids to participate, they are much more likely to follow suit, and you can affirm them for their wise choices.

Stated more succinctly, this looks like this:

Model, model, model; invite, affirm…
Model, model, model; invite, affirm.

And continue to repeat.

1. Create pleasant experiences with the activities

Be proactive and have fun trying some of the activities when everyone is calm. Find out what your kids enjoy.

In order for sensory activities to be calming, they must be pleasant and enjoyable. You can use the term “body treats” when you talk about these self-regulation activities.

(Side note: Consider letting your kids know ahead of time that if they fake conflict or anger to get a calming toy, snack, or activity, it will no longer be an option. 😉 And although activities should be pleasant, avoid screens as a calming activity because the transition off will be stressful.)

Gradually you can begin to offer activities when your kids are slightly angsty. You might start before a situation (i.e., a transition to the car) or a time of day (i.e., late afternoon before dinner) that often escalates into an outburst.

2. Prepare places and supplies ahead of time

Ask your child to select a “comfy spot” to calm down when upset. You can even use a pop-up tent and stock it with pillows, stuffed animals, and a few other favorite (non-screen) items just for that purpose.

For younger kids, prepare picture choices by taking photos of your child practicing calming activities and printing them. Then during misbehavior or conflict, show your child a couple of options and let them choose. The fewer words you use with an upset child, the better.

3. Watch for the times when your child naturally self-regulates. Affirm.

For example: “I noticed you were having a lot of arguments when playing with Legos, and you decided to go for a bike ride. It seemed like that really helped you feel better. You paid attention to what your body needed! When you came back, the two of you had a great time together.”

Affirmation is powerful! When you encourage kids with their small successes, they are usually eager to do more.

You could share Proverbs 15:18, “A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.” Then encourage your child in how they are learning to be a cool-tempered person. You can talk about how that’s a blessing to others and why it’s important.

Are you ready to hear some practical ideas you can start using today?

50 calming activities using each of the senses

If you feel out of ideas when life gets messy, don’t worry. We’ve compiled a list of calming activities you can keep in your back pocket. These self-regulation activities help kids use their bodies to calm their brains. They help your child start the emotional regulation process (especially when you remember to model, model, model; invite, and affirm!)

50 Calming Activities Printable PDF

Check out our FREE downloadable and printable PDF so you never run out of ideas!

PRINTABLE VERSION AVAILABLE HERE

Many of the activities on this list involve motion. A favorite phrase to use that kids can remember is: Motion changes emotion. Feeling sluggish? Feeling irritable? Get your body moving! Feeling anxious and fidgety? Try some slow deep pressure. How your child uses motion to change emotion can help them learn to self-regulate in a healthy way.

Mouth / oral activities

Blowing bubbles mimics deep breathing.

1. Deep breathing, AKA dragon breaths
2. Cold water in a bottle with a long curly straw
3. Gum (or a popsicle) can be a powerful brain calmer
4. Frozen or dried mango slices
5. Fruit smoothie through a straw (suck is calming)
6. Blow on a pinwheel or blow bubbles with a bubble wand (mimics deep breathing)
7. Put a few drops of soap in a bowl and blow bubbles through a straw, or herd “sheep” (cotton balls) with a straw.
8. Blow on a party blower or kazoo (the vibration is calming)
9. Pretend your finger is a candle and practice blowing it out
10. For older kids – “Let’s grab some chips and salsa, and we’ll talk this through.”

A coaching client reported:

“DJ was crying and he specifically asked for the vacuum cleaner activity (an activity in the sensory input video) and said, ‘It helps me feel better and not so sad.’ After I did it he was so much better and moved on easily. It’s fun to see our kids utilizing the Connected Families tools. When one of our kids gets upset, their siblings often try to help them get unstuck by recommending they read a book, take deep breaths, or walk around, telling them ‘motion changes emotion.'”

Skin/touch activities

(Many of these activities are included in our sensory input techniques video.)

Playing with a family pet can provide calming sensory input.

11. Offer a hug
12. “Squish sandwich” – put pillows or couch cushions under and on top of your child as they lay face down on the floor and apply pressure. You can even start to talk about whatever is troubling them while they are in this position.
13. Try a weighted blanket
14. Some kids love it when you lay on top of them (of course, be careful to regulate your pressure).
15. Rub lotion on each others’ hands/skin (or use coconut oil if the child dislikes lotions)
16. Make a “calming basket” with fidgets, squishy toys, or calming stuffed animals, and let your child choose things from it. Try searching the internet for “weighted/warmable stuffed animals” meant specifically for self-regulation.
17. Play with the family pet or take a cat/dog cuddle break
18. Back scratches or back rubs before bed
19. Paint each other’s nails
20. Finger painting
21. Braiding or playing with each other’s hair
22. Playdough
23. A tub or shower
24. Roll the child up in a blanket, then pull gently to unroll

Movement-based (vestibular/proprioceptive) activities

The rhythmic jumping of the trampoline can help with self-regulation.

25. Do push-ups, or relays together by doing a bear walk (on hands and feet, face down), crab walk (on hands and feet, belly up), or wheelbarrow walking.
26. Jump on a trampoline
27. Ride a bike around the block
28. Shoot some hoops/play catch/nerf frisbee
29. Play balloon “volleyball”
30. Swing on a swing set
31. Work out on a treadmill/elliptical, etc., if you have one, and talk about how you feel better. Then invite your child to try it. (Please follow safety guidelines if your child is on a piece of your fitness equipment.)
32. Go to the park and do some climbing
33. Turn on kids’ favorite music and have a dance party
34. Run up and down the stairs (how fast can kids find the object you hid downstairs?)
35. Make an obstacle course including a collapsible tunnel
36. Bounce on an inflatable exercise ball (or kids’ hop ball)
37. Bungee “pogo” jumper
38. Make a big pile of pillows and have kids jump onto them from a step stool or couch

How one dad used movement to help his son self-regulate

“After calming down from an early morning ramp up, I was able to speak to Jared while he was in bed. During our conversation about what happened he said, ‘It was extra hard to try to be normal this morning.’ I asked, ‘When it’s hard to act normal in the morning, what makes it hard?’ He replied, ‘I feel squirmy.’ I immediately asked him if he wanted to run on Daddy’s treadmill, and we were up doing that in the next 30 seconds. He ran a half mile and it was the start of what would be an amazing day!”

Visual activities

Some children self-regulate by looking at pictures.

Calm down jar
Color independently or together with your child. This may help less verbal kids identify feelings and wants in their picture.
Art, art, and more art
Look at books with beautiful pictures/illustrations. You could even buy a book of scenic photography (or look at online photos) and make up stories that could fit the pictures.
Build a fort as a safe space that also limits visual stimuli
Bubbler toy or a lava lamp in a dark room

Auditory activities

Music is very calming to some children.

Listen to your favorite music (use earbuds or headphones if it helps)
Sit outside to listen to the birds and the breeze
Hum or sing
Use a couple of kazoos (for both humor and vibration to the inner ear) and pretend to “talk out your conflict” through the kazoo with lots of expressions and gestures.
Use a white noise machine (on a calming sound) while looking at books
Musical instrument box – kids feel in control of their auditory environment when they make music

50 Calming Activities Printable PDF

Check out our FREE downloadable and printable PDF list of activities!

PRINTABLE VERSION AVAILABLE HERE

What to do after your child successfully self-regulates

When your child calms down, it’s important not to just move on (“Glad that’s over!”). Instead, be sure to help your child process their big emotions effectively.

This is the first step of EMOTIONAL REGULATION!

Ann Layne, Ph.D. and licensed clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of anxiety disorders, states:

“Research shows that kids who are sent to their rooms to calm down without then processing what was going on in them, aren’t practicing emotional-regulation, they are practicing emotional suppression. That causes more problems later.”

Processing big emotions to gain emotional regulation skills

After your child is calm, here’s how it might go as you can discuss the key questions for emotional regulation:

What am I feeling?
- Parent/Caregiver: “Would you say you were more mad or hurt when Aidan didn’t let you play the game?”
  - Child: “MAD! He’s mean! I don’t like him!!”
What thoughts or beliefs are driving those feelings?
- Parent/Caregiver: “It’s really hard to feel left out, isn’t it? When that happens to me, I don’t feel very important. And it hurts my feelings. ”
  - Child: “Yeah. I guess I did feel kind of hurt. He thinks he gets his way just cuz he’s bigger.”
What is a wise course of action? (i.e., let it go or ideas to solve the problem)
- Parent/Caregiver: “What do you want to do about it?”
  - Child: “I dunno. He should get in trouble.”
- Parent/Caregiver: “I think you can solve this. I could go with you and make sure he listens to you this time. You can tell him how you feel about being left out. Then you guys can figure out a solution you both are ok with. What do you think? Are you ready to talk to him?”
  - Child: “Sure. If you go with me?”
- Parent/Caregiver: “I’d love to help you both figure out a respectful way to talk about this.”

“Feel and Deal”: How we learn emotional regulation

These kinds of questions above are valuable for equipping a child for a lifetime of productive responses to anger. These aren’t just self-regulation (calming oneself) anymore. Now, you’re getting at the deeper insights into emotional regulation.

The phrase “Feel and Deal” (“What am I feeling and how do I want to deal with that?”) can be a simple prompt to remind both parents and kids about this important process of emotional regulation.

(If you’re looking for more resources, Zones of Regulation or the 5-Point Scale can also help calm an upset child by helping them assess and describe their level of distress.)

Self-regulation and emotional regulation require perseverance, but it’s worth it. You are preparing your kids for the inevitable stresses and challenges of life. These are truly skills that can last a lifetime!

Do you have a child with EXTRA needs?

Parenting isn’t easy, but when you’ve got an extra INTENSE or SENSITIVE child with big feelings… it’s even harder.

The Sensitive and Intense Kids online course will equip you to parent well, even with these unique kiddos.

LEARN MORE

“Go to Your Room! Right NOW!”

4 Steps to Change Your Child’s Behavior

My Misconceptions About Adoption—And, Well, All Parenting

When Out-of-Control Kids Can’t Hear Your Gentle Voice

3 Principles to Help Your Child Calm and Regulate

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 29 Jan 2024 03:44:00 +0000

In this episode on calming for kids, Lynne Jackson (Connected Families Co-Founder) and Lydia Rex (Connected Families Certified Parent Coach) talk with Stacy about what role parents play in helping their kids calm down. This conversation especially has sensitive or intense kids in mind, and the principles shared are paired with practical examples and stories from parents who’ve tested the ideas. Plus, we’ve got a free PDF for you: 50 Calming Activities (with ideas for engaging each of the senses).

Mentioned in this podcast:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting.

Did you find this episode helpful? Share it with a friend, and leave us a review!

Your donation fuels our work! Donate to Connected Families today.

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The Sensitive & Intense Kids online course is a game changer. It’s for YOU.

LEARN MORE

Hope & Healing for Your Sensitive or Intense Child

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 22 Jan 2024 03:14:00 +0000

Listen in as Stacy chats with parent coaches Jarrett & Luisa Wendt about the parenting course that has equipped them to understand and help their sensitive children.

In today’s episode, Jarrett & Luisa Wendt (Connected Families Certified Parent Coach) talk with our host, Stacy Bellward, about the daily meltdowns, sleep issues, stress, and discouragement their family has experienced. Then, they share how they found hope and healing through the Sensitive & Intense Kids online course. Jarrett & Luisa discuss the tools they’ve learned to help their kids regulate and how they’re sustaining positive progress. If you have a sensitive or intense child, you’ll be encouraged by their story and inspired by their persistence to build a safe, connected family with Christ as the foundation.

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Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting.

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Guest Bio:

Jarrett and Luisa Wendt are Connected Families Certified Parent Coaches. They have a beautiful family of six children, three in Heaven and three on Earth. Two of their precious children were born into their family through adoption. During a very challenging season, Connected Families led them (and continues to lead them) toward hope, grace, and truth. Together, they have a ministry called Built on Rock Parent Coaching which was born out of the deep desire to pass on that same hope, grace, and truth to as many families as God leads them to! Luisa was joyfully promoted to becoming a stay-at-home Mom after more than a decade of teaching music in the classroom, while Jarrett serves the church in theology and pastoral ministry. For more about their story, ministry, and cute photos, head to their website: www.builtonrockparentcoaching.org

Do you have a child with EXTRA needs?

Parenting isn’t easy, but when you’ve got an extra INTENSE or SENSITIVE child with big feelings… it’s even harder.

The Sensitive and Intense Kids online course will equip you to parent well, even with these unique kiddos.

LEARN MORE

Sensitive or Intense Child? Your Questions Answered!

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 03:35:00 +0000

In today’s episode, parent coaches Lynne Jackson and Lydia Rex answer questions from parents about sensitive and intense kids.

We’re excited to share another Q & A conversation with you today. The new questions came straight from parents in the CF community, and you’ll likely relate to the scenarios. Lynne Jackson (Connected Families Co-Founder) and Lydia Rex (Connected Families Certified Parent Coach) offer answers and suggestions based on their combined experiences in occupational therapy, nursing, coaching, and parenting their own sensitive and intense kids. You’ll gain insight into your child and find realistic suggestions for challenging situations. And, as always, you’ll receive God’s grace and truth for you and your child.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting.

Your donation fuels our work! Donate to Connected Families today.

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The Sensitive & Intense Kids online course is a game changer. It’s for YOU.

LEARN MORE

Sensitive & Intense – Connected Families

3 Unexpected Parenting Strategies to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

Do you have a sensory sensitive child?

Wondering if your child has sensory challenges?

Do you have an emotionally sensitive child?

Our kids had both sensory and emotional sensitivity

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

The parenting strategy that didn’t work: disciplining a child for their sensitivity

Parenting strategy #1: Set aside judgments and unhelpful thoughts.

Parenting strategy #2: Shift your focus from what to do, to understanding what’s going on in your child.

So consider: “What’s it like to be my child?”

One mom’s “Aha!” moment

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Parenting strategy #3: Show empathy to your highly sensitive child.

Objectively describe what your child might have been experiencing:

You might even want to empathize with their experience:

You can also validate what’s important to your child:

Parenting strategies that aren’t really “strategies”

Holding on to hope in God’s purposes for your child

Want more of Ted and Jill’s story? Check out this podcast, “Strengths and Weaknesses: What a Child’s Misbehavior Tells Us”

SPECIAL MARCH OFFER EXTENDED THROUGH FRIDAY APRIL 4TH!

From Quirky to Distressing: Understanding Sensory Sensitivities

Mentioned in this podcast:

Guest Bio:

SPECIAL MARCH OFFER EXTENDED THROUGH FRIDAY APRIL 4TH!

Beyond Obedience: One Mom's Journey from Desperation to Connection

Mentioned in this podcast:

Guest Bio:

Give Connection this Year

The “Stubborn” Child: A Simple Mindset Shift Might Transform Your Relationship

Typical parenting can make things worse with a persistent and persevering “stubborn” child

The mindset shift: God parents you with grace

The impact of grace on the home

Give Connection this Year

Help! My Child Is Defiant and Disrespectful

The easy way to react to a defiant or disrespectful child

What’s going on under the surface…in you?

What’s going on in your child?

Why are kids sometimes disrespectful and defiant?

Why would my child feel disconnected from me?

Get excited about the opportunity defiance and disrespect offer

The “Play-Doh” brain of defiance

The Connected Families Framework during disrespect and defiance

Foundation: You are SAFE with me, even if you’re screaming at me

Connect: You are LOVED, even when you say you hate me

Coach: You are CALLED & CAPABLE of remaining calm during stressful situations

Correct: You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions

If your child is disrespectful and defiant, embrace the opportunity

Give Connection this Year

Supporting Your Teen with Empathy and Connection

Mentioned in this podcast:

Research cited by Katie Wetsell:

Guest Bio:

Do you have a child with EXTRA needs?

50 Self-Regulation Activities To Empower Your Child To Calm

What is self-regulation? How is it different from emotional regulation?

Self-regulation

Emotional regulation

Adults often regulate themselves and don’t realize it

What happens in fight-or-flight and how your child’s five senses can help

Using the body for self-calming sensory activities

Self-regulation needs instruction and practice

Why is teaching self-regulation important?

What do researchers say about self-regulation?

Do you have a child with BIG feelings and BIG needs?

3 stages to consider when your child is unable to control their emotions

STAGE 1: Other-regulation

STAGE 2: Co-regulation

STAGE 3: Self-regulation

3 examples of parents equipping their kids to calm

Other-regulation:

Co-regulation:

Self-regulation:

What is your child’s self-regulation readiness?

Try calming phrases like these:

What if my child resists calming suggestions?

One dad’s story of not overreacting

So here’s the secret… BUILD MOTIVATION FIRST!

Modeling is the best motivation builder

1. Create pleasant experiences with the activities