Correct – Connected Families

Explaining Sin to Children Without Shame: 7 Important Reminders for Parents

Jim and Lynne Jackson — Tue, 08 Apr 2025 08:30:00 +0000

How do you talk to your kids about sin? Many people are hesitant to use the word “sin” as it often carries connotations of self-righteousness, judgment, and shame in today’s culture. Many people believe that right and wrong are decided by what is true and what is right for each person. This makes it hard to explain sin to a child who hears frequent messages of “It’s all good. Just figure out what’s right for you.”

And, yet, some of you may have also grown up in a world that abused this term, overusing it and labeling all dissent from authority or every little negative emotion as sin.

So how do you explain sin to a child? As followers of Jesus, we don’t want to fall into either trap: ignoring the reality of sin or labeling any activity as sin in the absence of the real power of God’s grace and forgiveness.

How do you explain sin to a child?

This is a fantastic question and one we have heard more than once over the years! Sin matters. Grace matters, too. Suppose we are to raise a generation of kids who understand the greatness of God’s love and grace. In that case, we must also raise them to understand the gravity of the sinful human condition and the importance of repentance on the way to living out God’s purposes. Our answer has many parts, and we hope you’ll read all the way through.

7 Reminders for Parents Explaining Sin to a Child

1. Proactively embrace and teach a theology of sin, grace, and forgiveness.

Let’s admit it. We often don’t take sin seriously. The main reason kids don’t understand sin is that parents don’t usually talk about it as if it is the central and serious problem that affects everyone.

Let’s be clear. While it is true that we are all created in God‘s image, it is also true that we are born into the infection of sin. God hates sin. Most of us hate sin, too. It creates a disconnection in our relationship with God, ourselves, and others. It’s just that we tend to hate the sins of others more than we hate our own. Perhaps we point our fingers at the misdeeds of others, or even our kids, but we don’t often do the work to self-examine and confess our sins to God and our families.

In our home, we took sin seriously but NOT by dwelling on it in the middle of corrective efforts. We aimed first to bring God’s grace to light.

What we came to realize is that the starting place for teaching kids about sin was not about a lesson plan or about calling out their sin in real time, but about becoming more attentive to the problem of sin in the place we can most accurately assess it, namely, in ourselves. We came to understand that to receive the fullness of God’s love and grace for us, we must receive it in light of our own flawed and sinful humanity.

Ephesians 2:4-5 tells us, “God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our sin,” and saved us by his grace. Deeply receiving this powerful truth equips us to share this “Good News” (the Gospel) with our kids.

So let’s start there: a brief journey through a basic understanding of sin and grace and some ideas about how to have the conversation about it with the children in your care.

What is sin? Explanations for a child (and their grownups)

The big problem: Sin causes disconnection from God. The Bible is clear that everyone has sinned and falls short of God’s standard. Without God’s free gift of grace, we will remain disconnected from God forever. (See Romans 3:23 and Romans 6:23)

What exactly is sin? The word most frequently used for sin in the New Testament means “missing the mark; hence: (a) guilt, sin, (b) a fault, failure (in an ethical sense), sinful deed.” Strong’s Greek 266.

But sin is not just about “missing the mark”—like “Oh, rats, I didn’t get a bullseye with my arrow this time” but rather, “Who has my errant arrow wounded?” Sin matters because people matter to God – both sinners and their victims. One of the best things parents can do to sensitize children to their sin is to nurture compassion for hurting people.

“The Bible says sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4). When it categorizes sins, it consistently does so in terms that imply both perpetrators and victims: enmity, dissension, oppression of orphans and widows, adultery, covetousness.” The Collateral Damage of Sin

Resources to help you talk about sin and grace with your kids

If you’re struggling with how to explain sin (and therefore faith) at a child’s level, sometimes it can be helpful to turn to a book you can read together. There are several books we like to recommend for helping children grasp the ideas of what sin is, how we repent of it, and how by God’s grace we are completely forgiven. Three books, depending on your kids’ ages, which you might find helpful to read with your kids are:

You might also find the ability to talk about sin, reconciliation, and repentance in other literature and movies. Discuss the choices characters make, the impact their choices have, and the motivations of the heart behind their choices. Even if a story never shows true repentance or talks about God, you still can.

For example, Marie reads books with her kids and compares characters with a strong sense of right and wrong with characters that “walk with a moral limp.” Some characters consistently behave in a “gray zone” and never show repentance for sin. In these cases, she and her children have had fruitful “what if…” conversations about what that would look like and how true repentance would change the story. Reading these books has led to richer theological conversations than even the books with more explicitly Christian messages! They’ve also made it easier for her kids to identify and recognize their own tendencies toward the same struggles.

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2. Don’t try to replace the Holy Spirit.

Yes, you ought to talk about sin with your kids–fairly often. Doing this helps them understand the concept so that when they actually sin themselves, they have a frame of reference for what that unsettled (“icky”) feeling inside of them is. This is the place where the Holy Spirit can work and your kids can learn to be receptive to the Spirit’s conviction.

If, however, what children get when they misbehave is a big dose of your energized attempt to correct them, that guilty feeling (what the Bible calls conviction of the Holy Spirit) gets shut down and replaced by the shame of rejection from mom or dad. It is not your job to convict of sin. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job. If you become the “sin police” when your kids are sinning, you are taking over for the Holy Spirit – except not really. Because when the effort to convince kids of their sin comes from you, it can actually prevent them from learning to listen to the “still small voice” of God’s Spirit.

So how might we cultivate our kids’ ability to listen to this “still small voice?” Read on…

3. Lead by example! Explain sin in light of your own behavior.

We used examples from our own lives and confessed our sins to our kids when we had sinned against them. This was leading with grace, not pointing a finger.

If you’re going to talk about sin with your child, it turns out you’ve got a whole lifetime’s worth of examples. Tell your kids stories about moments when you made the wrong choice, and label it what it is: sin. Then tell them about experiencing God’s grace and how you worked to make things right (or wish you had).

If you want to teach repentance, demonstrate repentance. The chances are high that at some point in the next twenty-four hours, you’ll sin in front of your kids. Maybe you lose your temper at your kids, or maybe you say something judgmental about the driver in the next lane. Whatever it is, own it. Tell your kids that your behavior hurt others or yourself. Say it out loud: “I forgot God’s love and grace for me, and I sinned.” Then apologize to your kids and God, and celebrate God’s amazing forgiveness!

4. Teach your child to pay attention to the still, small voice convicting them.

As mentioned earlier, part of why we didn’t believe we should be using Bible verses to try to point out sin in the moment of sin, was that we wanted our kids to learn to discern and respond to the Holy Spirit and “guide them into truth.” (John 16:13). Again, outside the moment of misbehavior, we taught our children about their God-given conscience and conviction, and the resulting uneasy feeling when they know they’ve done something wrong.

Along with this, teach kids that the conviction of the Holy Spirit is a good thing, a gift to protect our most important relationships. Ignoring sin has shipwrecked many lives. “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper…” Proverbs 28:13a. And the beauty of healing starts with confession. “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16 The goal of confession is healing, not shame! Using scripture to shame our kids about sin is a short path to the dislike of scripture.

But what about when a child just doesn’t seem to be aware that they’ve done anything wrong?

By celebrating wholeness and right relationships, children grow more sensitive to how their sin affects relationships.

5. Aim at wisdom, not behavior management.

The behavior management approach primarily aims to teach the “right” behavior. It does this by discouraging undesired behavior while also fostering the behavior you seek. It is mainly about behavior.

If you’re using behavior management…

You look primarily to rewards and punishment to reinforce proper behavior and discourage bad behavior.
When a child misbehaves, you intervene immediately because “this sinful behavior must stop.” You may have even been taught to insist upon immediate obedience, and you may use the Bible as the source for naming your child’s sin.
You put your energy into correcting your child with some form of punishment.
Punishment then engages your child’s fight-or-flight mechanism, which becomes the primary brain pathway through which they experience and “learn” from the situation.
If the discipline is clearly understood and consistently administered, the child’s sadness and shame about what happened (and fear of what will happen in the future) become the motivators for them to behave better—at least around that parent.

When kids who are parented this way hit their preteen years, however, they often discover a heightened sense of personal power and develop an awareness of how controlled they have felt. Their parents often say something like, “My child is out of control! Something changed all of a sudden.”

While it’s true that pre-teens often hit a season of irrational and impulsive behavior due to brain changes, the volatility of their behavior is usually mostly tied to years of pent-up baggage about being controlled or scared into compliance. If their parents used the Bible to manage behavior, kids often begin to reject Scripture as a source of valuable wisdom.

The wisdom-building approach goes beyond behaving properly to being internally motivated (even Holy Spirit led) to behave honorably.

When you prioritize wisdom-building…

You proactively teach your kids about sin and their identity in Christ outside of misbehavior.
Your goal in misbehavior shifts from behavior control to a child’s learning: When you empathize calmly, express love, and help your child recognize the natural impacts of their actions, your child can feel emotions related to their misbehavior, not your reaction to it.
When your child is calm, you invite them to make right what they have made wrong—to repent and ask forgiveness.
You remove privileges from resistant kids not in order to inflict pain but in order to create more space for kids to focus on what they’ve done wrong and become compelled to make things right (repent).

If this fashion of discipline is clearly articulated in age-appropriate ways, the sadness and guilt kids feel is about their behavior, not about their parent’s reactions or punishments. Over time, these kids become increasingly aware that their own sin is a problem that needs to be addressed, which opens them to the restorative dynamic of the Gospel.

This is a very new and often quite challenging way for parents to think. Most of us have been conditioned to focus more on behavior management than on wisdom building, more about punitive approaches to misbehavior than about restorative approaches. This is discussed in a lot more detail here, but the short version is to guide your child to ask and answer the question, “What is the impact of my choice (on myself and others)?” Then let the Holy Spirit do the work. (This requires giving sufficient time for a child to calm down so everyone’s frontal lobe is functioning again for the conversation.)

6. Help your kids celebrate true reconciliation to God and each other.

Sin creates a disconnect in our relationship to God and often results in a disconnect in our relationships to each other. Repentance and true reconciliation are about healing that disconnect. By celebrating wholeness and right relationships, children grow more sensitive to how their sin affects relationships. This key step of celebrating reconciliation powerfully illustrates the truth that conviction by the Holy Spirit is a gift to protect our lives and our relationships.

That’s why, in our family, we put the emphasis on helping our kids “make right” what they made wrong, and then we facilitated and celebrated true reconciliation. When they were young, we simply helped them pay attention to the fresh joy on everyone’s face, compared to the hard emotions after the misbehavior.

Over time our children learned to notice and value the joy of reconciliation, so they didn’t need us to help them think through questions like “What’s the impact of what I’ve done? How does it feel to have created that impact? And how can I reconcile with God and people?”

7. Remember: God’s kindness leads to repentance.

If it’s hard to let go of the need to confront kids’ sin with Scripture when they misbehave, consider Jesus’s example. It appears that when He used scripture to confront sin, it was with self-righteous Pharisees. When dealing with a “typical messy sinner,” He generally did not use scripture (i.e., a prostitute, woman caught in adultery, Zacchaeus, woman at the well, etc.). His responses are creative and connective and good examples of “God’s kindness [that] is intended to lead you to repentance.”

If explaining sin to a child seems confusing, overwhelming, or something you’d rather avoid, remember this: Talking to kids about sin is an important element in making the beauty of the Gospel a practical reality in your home.

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

Amen and amen! That’s something to celebrate!

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Our 8-session online course, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart will guide you through each level of the Framework. If you’re looking for a grace-filled way to parent, this course is for you!

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The Power of Affirmation: 3 Ways Your Words are Life-Giving

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 20 Jan 2025 03:11:00 +0000

Does your child get discouraged? Does it feel like your child’s misbehavior seems to drown out the positive things you might notice? There is science behind the power of affirmation. You can learn to shine a bright spot on the small things that go well and begin to unravel this cycle of discouragement in your child. And it will bring encouragement to you as a parent, too! In today’s podcast, Lynne Jackson (Co-Founder of Connected Families) shares a powerful and practical tool she created called the ABC’s of Affirmation.

Mentioned in this podcast:

How have you used the ABC’s of Affirmation with your kids? We’d love to hear your stories! And don’t forget to check out our website for more great resources! Need more encouragement or help? Please contact us; we are here for you!

Guest Bio:

Lynne Jackson is one of the Co-Founders of Connected Families. As a parent coach and mom of three intense kids herself, Lynne has walked alongside hundreds of parents to encourage and bring hope. She is also a research enthusiast and loves leaning into the brain science and research to better equip parents and caregivers. Most importantly, as a follower of Christ, she brings biblical wisdom, abundant grace, and a “no shame” policy.

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Help! My Child Is Defiant and Disrespectful

Anna Braasch and Kara Skarda — Tue, 12 Nov 2024 05:25:00 +0000

You probably know the signs of your child’s defiance or disrespect a few seconds before it lands. You see it in their body language, and you feel it in your own body as you try to prepare. If you’ve got a child who is frequently defiant and disrespectful, you’ve got some practice enduring intentionally painful words. It’s pretty tough to see the sunny side of things when your child screams irrational, hurtful things at you or blatantly defies your authority.

The easy way to react to a defiant or disrespectful child

To protect yourself and regain a sense of control, you might fire back, “This is NOT OKAY!!” “You can’t talk to me this way!” “Go to your room.” “No video games for you this week!” “I’m taking your phone away!” Or conversely, you might minimize their anger with a comment like, “I know you don’t mean that.”

If you’re like most parents, when you face disrespect, anger, rebellion, and general sassiness, you’ll probably either impose strong consequences or ignore it and hope the attitude goes away.

What’s going on under the surface…in you?

Unfortunately, neither of these approaches addresses the root of the issue. Defiance and disrespect do not happen in isolation; they are often symptoms of a lot brewing under the surface. Instead of quick defensive reactions, you can prayerfully consider a response that builds the kind of relational strength that will help heal the problem in the long run. That’s why we always encourage you to look below the surface.

The Connected Families Framework’s Foundation starts with the question, “What’s going on in me?” Ask yourself this and reflect on what you’re thinking and experiencing when your child shows moments of outright defiance or yells rude words at you. Sometimes, just naming what you’re feeling in those moments allows you to begin to calm your own reactions.

Other times, there may be a lie you’re believing about yourself (“I’m failing as a parent!”) or your child (“This kid just doesn’t care!”) that is holding you all back from the deeper, more respectful relationship you desire. Oftentimes, kids feel (and live up to!) our judgments.

If this kind of thinking is a struggle for you, consider this podcast about soaking in God’s grace so you can give it to your kids.

King David confidently asked God:
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23,24

How could David be so vulnerable? He had been reveling in God’s intimate knowledge of and love for him for eighteen verses just prior to the request in verses 23-24. He felt safe enough to ask God to reveal his blind spots so he could better follow God’s leading.

When your child is loud, angry, and defiant, they are covering a world of inner hurt.

What’s going on in your child?

From there, dig deeper into what’s going on with the disrespect and defiance. These three questions may guide you:

What is going on in my child during this stressful moment?
Where might there be disconnection in my relationship with my child?
Is it possible my judgments about my child are impacting my actions?

Why are kids sometimes disrespectful and defiant?

There’s not one single answer that applies to all kids, but it is almost always an outward expression of an inward struggle. When your child is loud, angry, and defiant, they are covering a world of inner hurt.

This doesn’t imply there is no sin involved for either of you in the conflict, but it is simply more complicated. (Consider the Lord’s compassionate response to Moses’ defiance or to Elijah’s “I’ve had enough, Lord.”)

A few possible causes of defiance and disrespect include:

Your child is struggling with friends, school, or other things that have absolutely nothing to do with you, but you are the one safe person they feel they can show all their feelings to. They just haven’t learned a more constructive way of letting out negative feelings, so it comes out as anger and defiance at you.
Their sensory system is overloaded or dysregulated, and they don’t even know what they’re upset about. You can easily recognize this in toddlers, but some kids struggle with it even into their teens. (You might be interested in reading about teaching self-regulation to your child.)
They’re feeling disconnected from you (more on that below).

Why would my child feel disconnected from me?

In this broken world of ours, some of the causes of disconnect you can’t control, while others you do have more influence over. But since disconnect feeds anger, defiance, and disrespect, it’s good to understand. A few of the many potential causes of a disconnect in your parent-child relationship include:

Sensory sensitivities/hyperactivity that make it difficult for children to receive physical touch and other calming comfort from parents.
Stressful family circumstances in a child’s developmental years interfere with a parent’s ability to express caring and the child’s ability to receive it. This can be due to a number of factors such as adoption, illness, family disruption, and loss.
A home environment that feels emotionally unsafe. This can cause children to self-protect instead of bond with a parent.
A specific misunderstanding or painful event that has put some temporary stress on your relationship. Sometimes this even happens when you’ve done the right thing, such as laying down a necessary boundary, but your child was nevertheless hurt by it.

If your child feels disconnected from you, it’s especially important that the way you respond to defiance and disrespect is aimed at healing the relationship. Even if the disconnect isn’t the cause of the defiance (maybe they had a bad day at school, and they’re pouring the defiance and disrespect out on you precisely because they feel emotionally safe with you), focusing on healing the hurt while maintaining healthy boundaries*, is always wise.

*Maybe you need to take a step back, pause, and breathe in God’s presence before responding.

Get excited about the opportunity defiance and disrespect offer

Many years ago, when my children (who had joined our family through adoption) were around 4 and 6, some of the long-time parenting struggles we were experiencing started to escalate. During this time, I began to embrace the ideas that Connected Families taught, and I changed the way I parented and disciplined. The biggest change for me was to look for and even value the times when my kids were angry, disrespectful, rebellious, or sassy.

Why would I be excited about anger and disrespect?!

Because I knew that whenever disconnection and disrespect were present, it was the greatest opportunity to build connection and promote healing in our family. And that’s why I learned to look forward to my kids’ defiance.

The “Play-Doh” brain of defiance

To help me do this, I began to visualize their brains during high-stress situations as a big ball of Play-Doh. I could choose at that moment what kind of “print” in their Play-Doh brains I wanted to make. (This is an oversimplified analogy for neuroplasticity, but this word picture works for me!) These “Play-Doh moments” are when I have the most significant opportunity to rewire their brain pathways and heal their challenges with connection and attachment.

The Connected Families Framework during disrespect and defiance

To begin the healing process in our family, we became intentional in the messages
we were sending to our kids during discipline situations. We used the Connected Families Framework to work through these messages.

Foundation: You are SAFE with me, even if you’re screaming at me

The most important message that all kids (and especially children who struggle with attachment) need to hear is that they are safe. For me, this means lots of deep breaths and prayer. Even when “I hate you, you’re the worst mom ever!” is being screamed at me.

Connect: You are LOVED, even when you say you hate me

Secondly, my kids must know that they are loved no matter what. That my love for them doesn’t change based on how they treat me.

I learned from Empowered to Connect that: “Children from hard places need to learn how to trust in order to heal. For this to happen, parents must move in closer even as their child pushes them away. They must resolve conflict and respond to misbehavior in ways that both correct and connect. This often requires parents to connect first, then correct – an approach that goes against the instincts of most parents, but actually can make their correction even more effective.”

Coach: You are CALLED & CAPABLE of remaining calm during stressful situations

If my kids weren’t able to stay calm during stressful situations, that was a clear indicator to me that they needed more support in their development. This meant engaging professional help such as attachment therapy, play therapy, and occupational therapy (all the therapies!). My husband and I also modeled and practiced skills to coach our kids on healthy responses. Reading children’s books focused on character development was another fantastic way to develop these skills!

Correct: You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions

And, of course, as I was raising my kids, they still needed to be held responsible for their actions and misbehavior. My prayer life became essential as I became intentional about consequences that built reconciliation and long-term wisdom.

I was tucking my son into bed after a particularly rough evening when he was around 6, and I told him, “I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
“You know what? I love you even when you say you hate me.”
“You know what, Mom? I love you too, even when I say I hate you.”

If your child is disrespectful and defiant, embrace the opportunity

Even now, as my kids are entering young adulthood, I try to visualize their Play-Doh brains and the messages that are being imprinted. As difficult as it might be, I choose to embrace times of defiance and disrespect, as these are the perfect opportunities to build safety and connection.

Author note: My children, 17 & 19, gave me permission to share this story. Through many big and small moments, we’ve grown to have a high level of mutual respect and admiration. Over the years, one factor contributing to this trust has been gaining their permission to share our story when we all agree it could help others.

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Obedience: A Jesus-Centered View

Dr. David and Amanda Erickson — Tue, 08 Oct 2024 08:00:00 +0000

We are excited to bring you an excerpt from a book that we feel will impact your family for generations to come. Dr. David and Amanda Erickson are co-authors of The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose and co-creators of Flourishing Homes & Families. They are also Connected Families Certified Parent Coaches and dear friends of Connected Families Co-Founders Jim and Lynne Jackson. Enjoy!

Obey. It’s the four-letter word of childhood.

Our children arrive in this world completely dependent on us to meet their needs. As babies, that exclusive focus on their own needs is critical to their survival. They have to sleep, they have to eat, they have to poop—and they need us to help with all of it. As they grow and become walking, talking toddlers, that self-centeredness doesn’t magically disappear, but it looks a lot less like absolute dependence and a lot more like exerting their opinions—at all times. They’ve suddenly realized that there’s a difference between “me” and “you.”

This is when teaching obedience typically becomes a focal point of child-rearing. It is also at this point, just when our young disciples are first recognizing and experimenting with their own free will, that parents are tempted to throw in the towel and give up on implementing this peacemaking parenting perspective in their homes. Of course they are! It can be exhausting—and feel anything but peaceful—to raise a desperately independent child. (Ask us how we know.).

Not only that, but helping our children learn to obey is a valid desire—leading to harmonious family life now and the ability to listen to, collaborate with, and honor others later on. The toddler who just made mud pies has to take a bath before nap time, whether he wants to or not. The preschooler needs to find something better to do than annoying and frustrating his sister until she finally hits him. The grade-schooler needs to read short books each week to build the reading skills she’ll need to demonstrate months from now. As parents, our goals for obedience are often really good, with future benefits in mind!

When we commit to parenting with peace and purpose, we do not surrender ourselves (and our sanity!) to disobedience and accept that our children will rule our homes with their strong wills and ideas and never listen to our own. Obedience matters—it matters to your family, and it matters to God.

Does delayed obedience = disobedience?

But for many, obedience comes with an implied adjective: “immediate.” We want our kids to get dressed right now. We want them to clean up their toys right now. We want them to behave in public right now.

Of course, when it comes to life-or-death safety, immediate compliance is vital. But outside of that, does obedience require immediate action? You might have heard it said—or even preached—that delayed obedience is disobedience.

What Jesus says about delayed obedience

There’s just one big problem with that view—Jesus’ own words tell us the opposite.

In Matthew 21:28-32, Jesus tells a parable about a father and his two sons. The father goes to each of them and asks them to go work in the vineyard. One son initially refuses to go but later changes his mind, ultimately deciding to follow his father’s request. The other son immediately says he will go work but doesn’t follow through.

After telling this parable to the leaders of Israel, Jesus asks, “Which of the two did his father’s will?” (Matthew 21:31). Did both sons disobey their father?

It may seem so at first. After all, neither son immediately and willingly jumps to the task. But the crowd answers—and Jesus agrees—that there is an obedient son: the one who initially disobeys but eventually does what his father asked. It’s not about who initially disobeys or who says they will obey, but who ultimately does the will of God. It’s not about being perfect or simply saying we follow God. Instead, what matters is whether we are willing to change our minds (in other words, to repent) and follow Him.

For Jesus, delayed obedience is still counted—and honored—as obedience. This is good news—for everyone! If God never recognized our delayed obedience as obedience, we would be in a really bad way. It’s impossible to instantly obey every single command found in the Bible or every leading of the Holy Spirit. The whole gospel rests on God’s patient grace. Jesus never requires perfection from His people. He only asks that we follow Him.

Jesus also makes abundantly clear in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35) that He expects those who have been forgiven much to forgive the sins of others. Shall we receive God’s mercy and grace for our disobedience to Him while not offering the same to our children? He gives us, as parents, the opportunity to teach our children about God’s grace by extending that same grace to them.

Parenting as peacemakers

When we adopt the “delayed obedience is disobedience” view, we lay a heavier burden on our children than God designed them—or anyone—to bear. And we want to be clear: We know that most parents aren’t issuing capricious commands and harshly punishing children for the slightest hesitation. Most parents give commands and expectations that are rooted in their love and care for their children. But if we are to parent as peacemakers in our homes, we will shift our perspective toward a more gracious understanding of obedience, one that focuses on our children’s hearts before their behavior.

The real goal of Christian parenting is not simply children who obey but children who want to obey, even if it takes them a little time to choose the path of obedience.

Adapted from The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose by Dr. David and Amanda Erickson, released in September 2024.

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The Flourishing Family: Don't Settle for Merely Surviving

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 07 Oct 2024 04:00:00 +0000

In this episode, Jim and Lynn Jackson, co-founders of Connected Families, chat with Dr. David and Amanda Erickson from Flourishing Homes and Families about their new book, The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose. The Ericksons share their journey of integrating Christ-centered theology with modern neuroscience to provide a holistic approach to parenting. They explore gospel-centered gentle parenting (while addressing common misconceptions) and reframe discipline as discipleship. Practical insights help parents build trust-based relationships with children.

Mentioned in this podcast:

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Guest Bio:

Dr. David and Amanda Erickson are the founders of Flourishing Homes & Families, a ministry that educates, empowers, and equips Christian parents to lead their families through parenting principles rooted in Jesus’ teachings. With David’s background in theology and Amanda’s love for child development, they’re passionate about helping parents find harmony at the intersection of Jesus-centered theology and modern neuroscience.

David previously served as a pastor and spent fourteen years as a seminary theology professor. In 2023, he became president of Jacksonville College, where he guides the faculty and staff in preparing students to lead Jesus-centered lives that transform churches, communities, and the world. A former foster mom and pastor’s wife, Amanda is an artist with a free spirit and can often be found watercolor painting, sipping coffee on her front porch swing, making up silly songs for her two boys and dogs, and hiking the woods near their home on a little farm in East Texas.

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Give Yourself Grace with the Do-Over

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 04:12:00 +0000

In this episode, Jim and Lynne Jackson talk with Ruth Wharton about the transformative power of “do-overs.” They unpack how this practice mirrors the gospel by encouraging us to give ourselves grace, seek forgiveness, and mend relationships. They share the simple steps involved and how do-overs grow and evolve as your children do. By modeling grace and humility through do-overs, you can start to transform the culture in your home today.

Mentioned in this podcast:

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Guest Bio:

Based in Malvern, Worcestershire, Ruth Wharton is the first Connected Families Certified Coach in the UK. She is a mum of five and has a background in primary school teaching. She works part-time for a local charity supporting people with autism. Ruth worked alongside her husband for twelve years as they looked after 60 teenage boys in an English boarding school. She is passionate about parenting with grace and unconditional love. The Connected Families Framework has united her and her husband in the challenge of simultaneously raising our teenagers and toddlers. She’s loved seeing the benefits of connected parenting shape each of her children to become more confident, happy, and emotionally secure. You can find out more about coaching with Ruth at: https://connectedfamilies.org/listings/ruth-wharton/.

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Hitting & Biting: How the Right Consequence Might Be Simpler Than You Think

Jim and Lynne Jackson — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 16:03:30 +0000

Hitting and biting are really difficult phases for some kids. Oftentimes, it’s indicative of a child’s need for more big muscle activity to decrease stress in their nervous system. (See our FREE resource, 60 Ways to Get Kids Moving and Laughing.) This almost always improves the problem but may not eliminate it.

And when hitting or biting happens, it’s completely natural if all your mama or papa bear instincts come out to protect their siblings. However, so often, when thinking about appropriate “consequences” for hitting, biting, and other aggressive behavior, what you’re actually looking for is a punishment that will teach your child a lesson. It’s normal for your sense of justice to compel you to punish them. However, are these types of punitive consequences for hitting and biting helpful?

Beyond a simple consequence for hitting or biting

Often, punishment is not the best way to teach responsibility and wisdom. Check out this story from Jess for a different way of looking at consequences for aggressive behavior:

“Our 3-year-old son, Chaz, was frequently biting and hitting his siblings. I used to respond by raising my voice to him: ‘Get out of here! Go to your room!’ This resulted in a big fight: ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I don’t wanna go to my room! AUGHHHHHHHH!!!!’

Now that I’ve learned to respond calmly, it’s like Chaz is a whole new kid. When he bites his siblings, I take a deep breath, get down on his level, and calmly say, ‘Chaz, it’s important that we make sure other people are safe around us. And when you bite people, that means it’s not safe to be around you. You lose the privilege of being with your sisters for a while until you can make a plan about how to be a safe person again.’ And Chaz will then separate himself from his sisters! He sensed that we were FOR him while inspiring him to a bigger yes: safety for all. Responding calmly and enlisting Chaz in the plan to be safe has made a huge change in our family!”

Our heart behind the consequence matters

Did you notice that Chaz still got some helpful space from his siblings? But this time, it wasn’t a rejection but a safety measure of his own choice. What started the shift was a change in his parents’ hearts. This heart change sets the stage for teaching a child the skills to use words instead of fists when starting to get upset.

Often, our desire for “justice” through immediate punishment is actually a selfish desire to feel in control of a difficult situation, and it’s not truly for our child’s benefit. Consider Hebrews 12:10: “They (our parents) disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.”

Not sure what to say?

Check out this FREE downloadable and printable PDF, “20 Responsiblity Statements to Help Empower Your Child” Your words could be just the encouragement your child needs at just the right moment.

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Connect the consequence to wisdom

With a view for growing your children in God’s holiness, you can put words to the wisdom you want your child to learn from the consequence, just like Jess did when she calmly said, “It’s important that we make sure other people are safe.” This is how we teach children to be responsible for themselves for the benefit of others, even at a young age! Then your child, over time, can learn that you’re not trying to punish them for hitting or other bad behavior; you’re trying to set them up for success, even when that’s hard and painful.

If you’d like some practical ideas, read on for some simple scripts you can use during the messes of daily life. For more ideas, check out this FREE downloadable PDF, “20 Responsibility Statements to Help Empower Your Child.”*

*Many of the ideas in this PDF came from members of the Connected Families community, and we are grateful!

Some simple scripts:

After getting to a peaceful, purposeful mindset, try speaking calmly with your child as Jess did:

“It’s important that ___________________.” (What’s your family value that is being disregarded, and why is it important?)
“When you_________________ , it_____________________ .” (Discuss the natural impact of the child’s misbehavior on themselves and others.)
“You lose the privilege of until you can make a plan about _________________________.” (Calmly state the privilege lost and what the child can do to responsibly reconcile.)

If you’d like to learn more about these principles, we encourage you to check out our online course, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart.

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Consequences vs Punishment: What’s the Difference?

Why Is My Child So Angry? The #1 Unexpected Reason & Practical Steps to Take

Why Punching a Pillow When Angry Doesn’t Really Help Your Child

Strengths and Weaknesses: What a Child's Misbehavior Tells Us

A Connected Families Podcast — Mon, 23 Sep 2024 03:20:00 +0000

When faced with your child’s misbehavior, it’s tempting to focus on their weaknesses: poor emotional regulation, lack of self-control, or dishonesty. But what if you could see beneath these struggles to recognize the God-given strengths hidden within? At Connected Families, we affectionately refer to these strengths as “gifts-gone-awry.” Listen in as Connected Families Co-Founder Lynne Jackson sits down with 22-year-old Lucy Browning and her parents, Ted and Jill. Together, they share how identifying and nurturing Lucy’s “gifts gone awry” transformed her challenging behaviors into shining strengths that now bless others. Their story will encourage and inspire you.

Mentioned in this podcast:

Lucy’s Graduation Speech – Chaska High School 2020 (speech begins at 21:11)
Luke 16:1-8
Sibling Conflict online course
Parent Coaching

Check out our website for more resources to support your parenting!

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Guest Bio:

Ted and Jill raised their three daughters in Minnesota, where Jill is an elementary school teacher, and Ted is a mechanical engineer. They are adjusting to life as empty nesters this fall. Their eldest daughter, Lucy, graduated from Wheaton College last spring and now lives in the Washington, DC, area. The Brownings are all about road trips and enjoy a good podcast!

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The Goal Was to Ask More Questions and Tell Less, But…

Chad Hayenga — Tue, 20 Aug 2024 07:49:00 +0000

If you’ve read much of our content before, you might have picked up on the fact that we like questions. In fact, I often encourage the parents I coach to work toward asking more questions while telling their kids less. Unfortunately, we don’t always meet our parenting goals in one smooth trajectory. But here’s the good news: you can still celebrate success as you grow in the art of asking more questions.

One dad’s story:

Ed was trying to be patient and thoughtful and, as a dad, was really trying to ask more questions. But he was at the end of his rope. Instead of his two daughters helping him fix dinner, they were upstairs arguing loudly and disrespectfully. As he listened, he thought to himself, “That’s it, I’ve had enough. That’s the last straw!” Seconds later, the inevitable happened: screams cascaded down the steps and into the kitchen as the older sister innocently appeared for her table-setting duty after having delivered the decisive “verbal one-two punch” at her little sister.

With a loud voice and popping veins, Ed erupted. “Are you happy now? Your sister is crying! Did you get what you wanted?”

As Ed retold the story during our coaching session, he was very sad. He’d been working on asking more constructive questions and empowering his kids to solve their own problems. Technically, he asked a couple of questions, but we immediately recognized the intent was not to discover new information or empower his daughter. “I knew I wanted to ask some questions,” he said sadly, “but I was angry, and those were the only ones that came to mind.”

I said, “That is awesome!” Needless to say, Ed was a little surprised at my response.

Progress is progress, even if they weren’t great questions

While Ed clearly didn’t respond the way he wanted to, I still saw a change in the trajectory of his parenting. Instead of quickly barking orders when the kids fought, he waited. He did the best he knew how and reacted by asking his daughter questions.

The road to becoming the parent you want to be can be quite bumpy as you let go of old habits.

While Ed’s efforts fell short of his goal, he no longer wanted to talk about how to “get his kids” to quit fighting and do chores. He was ready to talk about what had happened and how he could keep making the progress he wanted to make as a parent.

I repeated, “That is awesome!”

As Ed received this encouragement, we were able to discuss the subtle, unspoken, negative messages his efforts conveyed to his daughter:

“You are making me angry.” (aka, you are in control of my emotions)
“You are a problem.”
“You are incapable of relating well to your sister.”
“I am responsible for you and your sister’s relationship.”

We then discussed more specifically how to ask constructive questions and encourage his kids with positive messages. Here’s the essence of our conversation:

The road to becoming the parent you want to be can be quite bumpy as you let go of old habits.

3 Steps to Ask More Questions

1. Ask yourself, “What’s going on in me?”

Is my heart for my child? Am I prepared to talk with them? If not, have I asked God for guidance and help?
What messages do my questions and facial expressions often communicate to my child? Anger, irritability, or frustration can make even good questions seem trapping or incriminating. (For example, consider the different ways you could ask, “What is happening here?” and the different messages your child might receive.)

When parents take time to reflect on these questions, children are often more receptive to talking about what’s going on. The message kids receive is, “You are safe with me.”

80 Curious Connection Questions

Running out of ideas for what you can ask your kids to get the conversation going? Check out “Connected Families Connection Questions” and never again run out of creative questions to ask.

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2. Brainstorm and roleplay the questions you wished you’d asked.

Ed continued to practice asking more questions, even though sometimes they still weren’t the most helpful questions. Sound familiar? Give yourself some grace as you take time to think of calm and helpful questions you could have asked and practice them – in front of a mirror or with your kids. (“Hey sweetheart, can I take some time to practice what I wish I had said to you when you came downstairs? I think I need a do-over, so I can learn to do better next time.”)

For example, in the above scenario, saying:

“Seems like the two of you are having a rough time. Are you two doing okay?” (This causes her to assess the situation for herself.)
“What happened to get you yelling and her crying?” (This allows her to tell you her side while also considering her sister’s perspective.)
“What do you think needs to be done to get your relationship to a place where you both feel good about each other again?” (Asking for your kids’ input puts the responsibility for the relationship on them.)
“What would your sister say is needed?” (Helping her see it from her sister’s perspective is important for reconciliation.)
“Is there anything you need from me to help resolve this conflict?” (Offering to give suggestions or be a resource is important to help kids think through their options.)

Of course, even if you ask these great questions right from the start, the above situation could go a hundred different directions! Perhaps the sisters will need time apart to consider how they want to repair their damaged relationship. Perhaps the younger sister will need a couple of minutes of comfort and question-asking as well. Perhaps the conflict won’t be resolved until after dinner or even the next day. No matter how the conflict is resolved, the important thing is to focus on communicating encouraging messages to your children in ways that support their conflict resolution.

3. Celebrate the grace-filled messages in asking better questions.

Just like Ed, you need encouragement in the messy process of learning new parenting habits. Look for small improvements and celebrate the impact of your effort at asking wiser questions, whether they are in a do-over or in your initial response in challenging moments.

Using the Connected Families Framework, consider the messages that your kind, curious, and open-ended questions send to your child:

“You are SAFE with me as I work to calm down and sort out my own issues.”
“You are LOVED, even when you squabble like this.”
“You are CAPABLE of caring for others and of learning to sort things out.”
“You are RESPONSIBLE for your relationships.”

If you want kids to believe these things, start by telling them directly. Then, ask questions that help them act accordingly. As you do, you’ll be helping your kids learn to walk in the wisdom and reconciled relationships that God has for them!

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:17,18

Less arguing. More wisdom.

That’s what you get with the Power of Questions online course.

$35

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How God Created Us for Connection…and Science Agrees!

The Power of Empathy: How to Teach Your Child to “Feel Another’s Feelings” | Ep. 53

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

What Do You Do with a Minecraft Addiction?

Lynne Jackson — Tue, 09 Jul 2024 08:50:00 +0000

Does it feel like you’ve got a Minecraft addict in the house? Or maybe it’s some other online game, like Fortnite or Roblox. Online gaming addiction is real. Your child’s screen habit probably started out innocently enough. Over time it may have escalated to a level that pits you against each other and threatens the joy and connection in your relationship.

Maybe you read our article about creative ways to nurture healthy boundaries around screen time for younger children, and now you’re shaking your head saying, “My kid is beyond that point…he is addicted.”

Whether you’re worried your child is addicted to Minecraft or a different game, you probably feel frustrated or possibly so overwhelmed that you’ve essentially given up trying to set boundaries. If so, you are not alone!

Why is Minecraft (and other online games) so addictive?

Considering how games are constructed, it’s not surprising that video game addiction can easily happen. With revenue from gaming now well over $150 billion a year, companies have lots of money to spend on making these games enticing and addicting. The National Institute of Health states, “the level of dopamine released… when playing a competition-like video game is comparable to that provoked by psycho-stimulant drugs.” Parents are up against an intense challenge. In light of this, try giving yourself a lot of grace. And give grace to your kids too!

In addition to increased dopamine levels when playing Minecraft, there’s no end goal or number of minutes that marks the end of the game. Instead, there’s always something more you could do or improve because why not? This makes Minecraft even more addictive.

Signs of video game addiction

Video game addiction is a common concern we hear from parents. Let’s start with looking at a summary of the signs of video game addiction listed by WebMD:

Child uses games to improve mood, and is irritable, angry, or even aggressive when he cannot play.
Child frequently thinks and talks about games when not playing – life is focused on the games.
Social interactions, previously preferred activities, or schoolwork are negatively impacted.
Child lies about playing time.

Do any of these signs feel familiar? Have you observed any of these with your child’s behavior in regard to video games? If so, where do you start? Read on to hear how one family took successful measures to tackle this tough issue and eventually raised a responsible, independent young man!

A note to the parent who feels hopeless and guilty about the level of conflict when it comes to setting limits on video games in your home: You are not alone, and you are not a bad parent. What should you do? Even if many of these ideas are not a good fit for your family, we have additional ideas for you at the end under the heading, “If you feel hopeless…” So read on – there is hope!

How one family helped their son overcome his Minecraft addiction

Some kids can regulate their computer use with fairly minimal guidance. Dillon was not one of those kids. At fourteen, he was extremely intense and obsessed with online interactive video games, especially Minecraft. He also played an empire-building game that wasn’t as time-consuming but needed frequent daily attention.

No matter how hard Dillon’s parents, Kate and Marc, tried to help him scale back, the rage and frustration could escalate whenever it was time to turn off the games. There was never an endpoint or feeling of lasting success, no matter how much time was given. It was almost like giving a kid access to pornography or, as Kate observed, “one sniff of cocaine”. Dillon was incredibly persistent in begging and pleading for more time.

The games caused strong negative emotions in and of themselves, not just the limits. Another player would do something mean. Or destroy his empire in the night. Or the system would have a glitch. Or the timer, to tell him it was time to be done, would go off at a crucial moment. Any one of these things could negatively impact their family for the rest of the day.

Even when it was turned off, Dillon always knew those Minecraft battles were happening online without him. It consumed his mind and his friendships, and nothing else seemed nearly as important to him. Kate described it, “…all of real-life paled tremendously in comparison, even when we tightly restricted his time on Minecraft. It still took up lots of brain time. And created endless conflict.”

A difficult decision and a three-fold strategy for addressing the Minecraft addiction

Kate and Marc came to the difficult decision that they could no longer allow the screens in their house to be used for addictive online games. Not only that, Kate and Marc also felt strongly that “these are important years of brain development and general maturation. ‘Use it or lose it’ is a very real phenomenon. Kids really need that development!”

Knowing this would be a difficult and long-term conflict, Marc and Kate were thoughtful in how they implemented this new decision to prohibit online gaming in their home. They presented it to Dillon carefully and gradually, receiving coaching at the same time, to maintain perspective and focus.

Together their family developed a three-fold strategy:

1. Evaluate current activities, Minecraft or otherwise

Marc, Kate, and Dillon started by developing a system and a chart to rate all their different activities for their cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social benefit. This was based on Luke 2:52, which described Jesus’ development: “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

Then they divided the benefit by the length of time it consumed. The higher the benefit and the more limited the time investment, the higher the ranking.

Teaching Sunday School together ranked highest in priority, and playing video games ranked lowest (even by Dillon’s admission).

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything,” but I will not be mastered by anything.

This family brainstorming session helped Dillon understand the relative value of different activities and the importance of honest evaluation. It was a concrete way to help him begin to understand why screen obsession could be a problem. He and his parents worked together on a plan to adjust family priorities and time use. (This did not make this process smooth sailing, but it was a helpful, wisdom-building start.)

A good scripture to include in a discussion like this with your kids is I Corinthians 6:12. The Apostle Paul explains that we are accountable to God for how we spend our time and use our bodies. “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything,” but I will not be mastered by anything.

This scripture implies two key questions to ask about any activity.

Is this truly beneficial for me and my long-term good (not just short-term pleasure)?
Is it possible the activity is starting to control me?

2. A three-week family technology fast

It may come as no surprise, but research has revealed that “One of the biggest predictors of adolescents’ screen use is their parents’ screen use,” says Jason Nagata, a pediatrician at the University of California at San Francisco and the lead author of the study. He also says, “Parent screen use, family mealtime screen use, and bedroom screen use were associated with greater adolescent screen time and problematic social media, video game, and mobile phone use.”

When parents are willing to sacrifice their own screen time to help their struggling child, that sacrifice speaks loudly of compassion, humility, and commitment.

Together Marc, Kate, and Dillon all experienced the impact of turning off their screens (except for workplace and school use.) They chose a busy time of the year when Dillon would likely be distracted by other things. During the technology fast, Marc and Kate went out of their way to provide many fun family activities on the weekends and during free time. These activities included sports events, social gatherings, board games, outdoor games and activities, special foods, time together, and so on. This created bonding experiences that helped reinforce the value of relationships over screen time.

FREE Outdoor Activities List

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3. Extensive, creative alternatives to technology

Once they completed the fast, Marc and Kate wanted to make the intentional restriction of online gaming at home more tolerable and help Dillon accept the change without lasting bitterness. It’s easier to say “No” when you have a bigger “Yes” focused on the vitality of real three-dimensional life and God’s purposes for your child.

Marc and Kate gave Dillon time to transfer his empire to someone else.
They made an ongoing effort to be available for the fun family activities they developed during their family technology fast.
They helped him pursue a faith-based, competitive card game, at times playing with him and other times traveling so he could participate in tournaments.
They got him a mini pool table for three-dimensional fun with family and friends.
They minimized how much they controlled his other activities or activities at other people’s houses. Kate added, “And we prayed an awful lot!”
They made plans for getting a puppy. When the screen changes were first implemented, this was about the only other thing Dillon was really interested in. The eventual arrival of an adorable little golden retriever helped significantly as he focused on the challenge of training his new pup.
They supported his involvement in an outdoorsy Bible camp. Dillon probably would never have decided to volunteer there if he’d known he could be home battling people at Minecraft and developing his empire. Camp was a fantastic growth experience that he chose for the next three summers as he became a young man who had the desire to bless others with his life.
They generally encouraged more three-dimensional creativity. Like this NASA engineer who found a creative way to keep squirrels away from his bird feeders

Help your child feel loved as they struggle to overcome a gaming addiction!

Although we’d love to tell you it was a painless shift to get Dillon off of his addictive games – it was just not so. It was really difficult. Really difficult! That was an indicator that their son truly was addicted.

Marc and Kate could have followed the path of many good-intentioned parents who get railroaded by their child’s intensity to fight for the exciting, gratifying, “glowing drug” and simply give in. Both parents prioritized prayer and 8ioi, It took incredible determination and perseverance to help their son as he gradually matured through this challenge.

Dillon’s four phases of growth in recovery from a gaming addiction

There were four phases of growth over time as Marc and Kate incorporated the Connected Families Framework to help their son feel loved and connected:

1. Anger

Addiction is addiction, and no addict thanks someone for taking away their drug. Initially, it was really rough. Dillon reflected back several years later, “I hated you [Mom and Dad] for a while after you took away [access to] my games. It was so frustrating not to have what other kids had!” He suggested to other parents trying to help their kids, “Expect to be hated.”

The key in this phase was Kate and Marc’s patient, empathetic responses to lots of angry, hurtful words from Dillon. They understood his pain. They understood his brain was in a fight/flight state of panic over losing his source of joy, comfort, and excitement. Their response communicated, “Even in your darkest emotions, you are safe with us.”

2. Adjustment

The non-electronic, alternative activities listed above were really important for Dillon to adjust to his new reality. (Looking back, he felt it would have been helpful to have even more options when he had the urge to play electronic games.) Over time he developed a lot of other interests and values, and now has well-established habits of diligence in homework, sports, working out, and socializing. He took up guitar and photography, read a lot more, explored coding and robotics, art and nature, and on and on.

In short, he blossomed, developed healthy self-discipline, and grew a lot of varied brain pathways. His parents’ sacrifice and effort to provide these activities communicated, “You are loved and so worth sacrificing for.”

3. Wisdom

Kate and Marc wrote down six key reasons for the no-gaming policy to remind Dillon when he wanted to resume playing. They began to have monthly discussions about the impact of technology on their lives, sharing research, personal experiences, and family values. They communicated to him their passionate belief, “You are called to so much more in life than addiction to a screen.” (For a resource on guiding relaxed, productive conversations with kids about technology, you can get ideas on this Tech Talk Tuesday blog.)

As a maturing high school student, Dillon began to recognize, “Those games are so rewarding, because the longer you play the more big and powerful you get. It would be great to just play them a little now and then, but I realize you can’t because it just gradually consumes more and more of your time.” Dillon and his parents’ efforts to keep an open dialogue and share their experiences communicated, “You are capable of learning to make wise choices.”

4. Independence

Dillon’s parents increased his digital independence in preparation for college. When using the internet he made reasonable and reality-based choices, with Covenant Eyes for accountability. Kate and Marc’s careful planning to gradually increase his independence communicated, “You are ultimately responsible for your life, not us.”

We have a podcast about this!

Check out Episode 185 of the Connected Families Podcast, “Screen Time and Kids: How to Say YES More Often, While Kids Have LESS Screen Time,” to hear more great information about kids and screen time.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST

What does life look like after recovering from a gaming addiction?

You might be wondering, “What happened to Dillon when he went to college with all that freedom?” Seven years after his parents began to address this challenge, Dillon was an upperclassman in college. When the pandemic hit, he ended up at home recovering from Covid.

His mom reported to me:

“Dillon made lots of progress on his schoolwork and had a good start on a big paper. I commented to him about how much schoolwork was going to get done this semester with everyone quarantining. He responded, ‘No—most people are just online or playing video games most of the time. I’m thankful for the way I was raised and the choices I’ve made to not get caught up in that again and to make better use of my time.’ Wow. Praise the Lord! I don’t think I ever really thought I would hear him say that. Especially back when things were so hard.”

When I heard this from Kate, I connected with Dillon and asked him his perspective on this change for him. He described a healthy balance now where he can play online for a short time, meet some new friends, and then be done! He shared, “Especially now that I have gotten to college, I have become very grateful for what my parents did. While at school, I have seen so many people who are addicted to screens. It sucks their time away from their homework, friends, and doing things that are more fun. I have been so grateful to have been saved from that addiction and to be able to put my time into better things.”

Building healthy screen habits when kids are young

As seasoned veterans of a very difficult challenge, what is Marc and Kate’s advice for parents?

Avoid the slippery slope. It’s best if parents avoid letting their kids get immersed in these types of online games. These games often begin with just ‘cute stuff,’ but it is a pretty slippery slope, especially when you start introducing games that are interactive with others who are also playing.
Seek out a group of peers not addicted to video games, that your child could belong to. “Easier said than done with a tween boy, but with coaching and lots of prayer, God did provide.”
Prioritize connecting with your child. Kate states, “As I’ve become more aware of some of the brain science, I now realize the vital importance of filling up our son’s joy tank with us being glad to be with him — seeing and celebrating him. I think I was prioritizing the wrong things and wish I could have a do-over to relax with and enjoy him as much as possible. ”
Be willing to sacrifice your own screen privileges and time. Mentor and model healthy screen habits and diverse interests for your child.
Strengthen your own sense of “okay-ness” outside of your child’s reactions to you. This will help you be more peaceful in the tough moments. (Our Grace and Truth for Moms online course is great for that.)
Watch the movie Inside Out 2. It is a great illustration of some of what’s going on with your child’s emotions and feelings at this age. Enjoy and maybe discuss with your child.

And where is Dillon now?

Kate shared this update: “Dillon is 25 and about to be married! Time flies, and it’s surprising how kids can take on our values and training even when it doesn’t seem like they’re going to. How thankful I am that his brain and identity got filled with so much more than that one very fun but devastating activity.

I’m sure his fiancé is also grateful. She is a wonderful young woman and probably wouldn’t have been attracted to him otherwise. Board games, outdoor activities, dogs, and friends have all been an important part of their relationship… and now he’ll be equipped to navigate screen challenges if they decide to have a family.” 😉

Taking the next step in your family

What resonates with you in Marc and Kate’s story? Are there technology challenges in your home? If so, perhaps you could identify with one of these responses:

I have young kids and want to establish solid early habits and guidelines about technology to prevent addictive patterns.
I want to start having more discussions about what’s important in life and how technology impacts our family life.
I want to try a technology fast and work toward strong limits on screen time for my addiction-prone child.

If you’re feeling hopeless and discouraged about unhealthy gaming habits

If the idea of setting reasonable limits on screen time doesn’t seem possible or would deeply fracture your relationship with your child, there still are helpful things you can do that flow from the Connected Families Framework:

FOUNDATION: Start by confessing and asking forgiveness for the times you’ve been angry, condescending, or controlling in your efforts to regulate screen time or for ways in which you’ve been obsessed with your own screens. Do this in a sincere but light-hearted way so the discussion is not filled with anxiety and discouragement.

Ask yourself, “What’s it like to be my child right now?” Does your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language invite a respectful interaction? Lean into prayer and faith by asking God for wisdom and discernment for what to do when your child is playing video games.

CONNECT: Prioritize connection over all else! Model putting your screens down, looking at your children, and really listening to anything they have to say. You might say something like, “Wow, that must have been frustrating.” “I’m glad you shared that.” Ask non-threatening questions, “What else do you want me to know about that?”

Go out of the box to offer creative, three-dimensional ways to have fun together, especially if it’s a little outside your comfort zone. For example, we’ve had paintball battles, played with foam swords and homemade javelins, and gone ziplining with our boys. There are ways you can connect with a child who doesn’t seem to want to connect with you. Keep your eye out for interests your child has where you could join them. If they will let you, find out what games they are enjoying and play with them. (You both might get some good laughs out of it!)

Even if your child says “No” to your offers, don’t give up. You can smile and say, “Okay, maybe some other time.” A calm, non-defensive response shows that you are interested in spending time with them, but your emotional well-being doesn’t rise and fall with their acceptance or rejection of you!

COACH: Model and live out how God has called you and talk about the fulfillment you experience. Express confidence in your child’s ability to grow into God’s purposes in real, three-dimensional life. Look for opportunities to develop their natural gifts and also to serve together.

Learn to ask good questions to build wisdom. You can sign up for Tech Talk Tuesday on the Screenagers website. It might seem uncomfortable to sit down every Tuesday and have a structured “Now we’re going to talk about screen time” chat. But thinking through the example questions will help you learn to have relaxed, value-building conversations with your kids about life and screens.

CORRECT: Do not use losing screen time as the go-to consequence for any misbehavior because that communicates it is the only thing in life that’s valuable. Research shows that “Parental use of screens to control behavior (e.g., as a reward or punishment) was associated with higher screen time and greater problematic video game use.”

However, do set expectations for your child to contribute to the family and get chores done. Monitor and set limits with grace and compassion. Research also shows that “parental monitoring of screens… and limit-setting of screens was associated with lower screen time and less problematic social media and mobile phone use.”

There is always hope

If your child is truly addicted, this is not an easy road. But it’s also not a hopeless one. This viral TED talk, “Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong” is a fascinating perspective that will bring insight and encouragement.

Whatever your particular challenge may be, please remember – there is always hope! Never stop having faith, hope, and love for your struggling child.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

God cares deeply about your family, and we are here to help. Parenting kids through tough issues does not have to be a journey you take alone!

52 Out-of-the-Box Family Bonding Activities

How to Limit Screen Time with Healthy Habits & a Bigger YES

How to Put Screens Back in Their Place | Ep. 34

How to Set Boundaries with Screens | Ep. 66

You Don’t Want to Micromanage Your Family: How to Stop Parenting With Anxiety

Do you find bedtime, screen use, chores, and meals to be sources of frustration instead of connection?

The Healthy Rhythms for Daily Life online courseis designed to help you break free from the chaos and establish predictable daily rhythms that work for your family. With thoughtful, Biblical insights and practical, science-based ideas, you’ll learn how to grow connection, wisdom, and health in your kids.

ENROLL TODAY!

Correct – Connected Families

Explaining Sin to Children Without Shame: 7 Important Reminders for Parents

How do you explain sin to a child?

7 Reminders for Parents Explaining Sin to a Child

1. Proactively embrace and teach a theology of sin, grace, and forgiveness.

What is sin? Explanations for a child (and their grownups)

Resources to help you talk about sin and grace with your kids

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2. Don’t try to replace the Holy Spirit.

3. Lead by example! Explain sin in light of your own behavior.

4. Teach your child to pay attention to the still, small voice convicting them.

5. Aim at wisdom, not behavior management.

If you’re using behavior management…

When you prioritize wisdom-building…

6. Help your kids celebrate true reconciliation to God and each other.

7. Remember: God’s kindness leads to repentance.

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence Discipline with Love

The Power of Affirmation: 3 Ways Your Words are Life-Giving

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Guest Bio:

Stop believing lies.

About you. Or your kids.

Help! My Child Is Defiant and Disrespectful

The easy way to react to a defiant or disrespectful child

What’s going on under the surface…in you?

What’s going on in your child?

Why are kids sometimes disrespectful and defiant?

Why would my child feel disconnected from me?

Get excited about the opportunity defiance and disrespect offer

The “Play-Doh” brain of defiance

The Connected Families Framework during disrespect and defiance

Foundation: You are SAFE with me, even if you’re screaming at me

Connect: You are LOVED, even when you say you hate me

Coach: You are CALLED & CAPABLE of remaining calm during stressful situations

Correct: You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions

If your child is disrespectful and defiant, embrace the opportunity

Give Connection this Year

Obedience: A Jesus-Centered View

Does delayed obedience = disobedience?

What Jesus says about delayed obedience

Parenting as peacemakers

The Quick Guide for Parenting

The Quick Guide for Parenting

The Flourishing Family: Don't Settle for Merely Surviving

Mentioned in this podcast:

Guest Bio:

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence Discipline with Love

Give Yourself Grace with the Do-Over

Mentioned in this podcast:

Guest Bio:

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence Discipline with Love

Hitting & Biting: How the Right Consequence Might Be Simpler Than You Think

Beyond a simple consequence for hitting or biting

Our heart behind the consequence matters

Not sure what to say?

Connect the consequence to wisdom

Some simple scripts:

Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence Discipline with Love

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Strengths and Weaknesses: What a Child's Misbehavior Tells Us

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Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?

Parent with Confidence Discipline with Love

The Goal Was to Ask More Questions and Tell Less, But…

One dad’s story:

Progress is progress, even if they weren’t great questions

3 Steps to Ask More Questions

1. Ask yourself, “What’s going on in me?”

80 Curious Connection Questions

2. Brainstorm and roleplay the questions you wished you’d asked.

3. Celebrate the grace-filled messages in asking better questions.

Less arguing. More wisdom.

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